Welcome to Diaries of a Mistress!
Better hang on to your husband's girls, I might just steal him away and he might abandon you and your family.
JUST KIDDING!!
Actually, I have been a happily married woman for quite some time, and still am. I have simply been labeled as a "mistress" and "home wrecker" by someone who hates the fact that I exist. I am actually a fun loving, easy going gal who just needs her voice heard.
Diaries of a Mistress is my story (of 12 years) as if I were writing in my diary. It is where all my secrets are kept and where the most sensitive information can be found. Delve into my mind and see what it is like to be a Mistress.
To get the full effect of the story, the oldest entry will always display at the top whereas the newer entries will be at the bottom. There are updates regularly, one must merely check the archives. ;)
Friday
Thursday
Just a Little Chat
Dear Diary - 10/19
I met a man today. Well actually that is pretty funny because I meet people every day where I work.
I met a woman too, and a gaggle of teenagers. It was a really busy day for me and it was getting late. The store I worked at would be closing in about two more hours and I would go home. YAY!
All I had left to do was put all the cartons of cigarettes away and then wait for the store to close so I could close out my till. I slid a carton of Marlboro's in its spot when I heard a noise behind me. A man stood there with a video tape in his hand to return it.
You see, I work at the little rent a video section of the grocery store, it was also, obviously, where people have to come when they want to buy cigarettes.
I turned around and smiled, as I usually do, because that is just what I do. He was tall, kind of on the big side, but not fat. His hair was receding and he wore these hideous tortoise shell colored glasses. It was kind of hard to see his eyes behind the big chunky glasses, but he had these pretty eyes. They were kind and loyal and...well, I have a thing for eyes and when I saw his, there was something about him. I just couldn't put my finger on it.
I took his video and talked with him for a few minutes while he looked for another video and I straightened up and finished putting away the cigarettes. The conversation was light, but entertaining and I smiled, cheerfully as always.
I could see my boss traipsing back and forth far behind my customer giving me dirty looks every few seconds. I think he was just jealous because quite frankly, I did not like to talk to him. He was an ass. My customer and I continued to chat as I rented his video and closed up the video area. We said good bye and left. I still had to close out my till.
I was right, my ass of a boss lectured me on doing my job. I told him I was doing my job and satisfying the customer at the same time. I could not help it if he could not multitask like me. So I went home and went to sleep.
I met a man today. Well actually that is pretty funny because I meet people every day where I work.
I met a woman too, and a gaggle of teenagers. It was a really busy day for me and it was getting late. The store I worked at would be closing in about two more hours and I would go home. YAY!
All I had left to do was put all the cartons of cigarettes away and then wait for the store to close so I could close out my till. I slid a carton of Marlboro's in its spot when I heard a noise behind me. A man stood there with a video tape in his hand to return it.
You see, I work at the little rent a video section of the grocery store, it was also, obviously, where people have to come when they want to buy cigarettes.
I turned around and smiled, as I usually do, because that is just what I do. He was tall, kind of on the big side, but not fat. His hair was receding and he wore these hideous tortoise shell colored glasses. It was kind of hard to see his eyes behind the big chunky glasses, but he had these pretty eyes. They were kind and loyal and...well, I have a thing for eyes and when I saw his, there was something about him. I just couldn't put my finger on it.
I took his video and talked with him for a few minutes while he looked for another video and I straightened up and finished putting away the cigarettes. The conversation was light, but entertaining and I smiled, cheerfully as always.
I could see my boss traipsing back and forth far behind my customer giving me dirty looks every few seconds. I think he was just jealous because quite frankly, I did not like to talk to him. He was an ass. My customer and I continued to chat as I rented his video and closed up the video area. We said good bye and left. I still had to close out my till.
I was right, my ass of a boss lectured me on doing my job. I told him I was doing my job and satisfying the customer at the same time. I could not help it if he could not multitask like me. So I went home and went to sleep.
Tons of Snow!
Dear Diary - 10/20
It's me again, but of coarse, being my diary, you know this. Ha!
I woke up this morning to get ready for work and saw nothing but whiteness outside my window. Snow. Crap. A huge winter storm had come in, early, and dumped about 6 feet of snow on the city. It closed down everything! I called in to work and they simply told me not to come in, there was too much snow and the city was out and about cleaning it up. No one would leave their houses today.
That was okay with me, but I really need the money and I don't work that many hours to begin with. It's tough getting by when you only make $4.50 an hour. (This was before minimum wage was what it is today obviously.)
But I will manage. I always do.
If the snow would ever stop falling, maybe I will get out my cross country skiis and go out for a while. It should be fun.
It's me again, but of coarse, being my diary, you know this. Ha!
I woke up this morning to get ready for work and saw nothing but whiteness outside my window. Snow. Crap. A huge winter storm had come in, early, and dumped about 6 feet of snow on the city. It closed down everything! I called in to work and they simply told me not to come in, there was too much snow and the city was out and about cleaning it up. No one would leave their houses today.
That was okay with me, but I really need the money and I don't work that many hours to begin with. It's tough getting by when you only make $4.50 an hour. (This was before minimum wage was what it is today obviously.)
But I will manage. I always do.
If the snow would ever stop falling, maybe I will get out my cross country skiis and go out for a while. It should be fun.
Snow...meh. Promotion? Maybe.
Dear Diary - 10/21
There is still a lot of snow out, but the sun is shining today. I called in to work this morning to see what they wanted me to do. I had to come in. Even if there were no customers, they had some training they wanted me to do for a new position they wanted me to take.
I pulled out my boots and hiked the 2 miles to work in the snow. Normally I ride my bike, well, it's really my roommate's bike, but she lets me use it. It was still cold, but the brisk walk kept me warm. Training was boring, as usual, but they wanted me to train to work in the customer service booth. I would have more responsibility and do more things that a manager might do. It was okay, but I didn't like being elevated. There were stairs in that stupid booth. I'm already tall, do I need to be taller?? Sheesh!
I got home and crashed in front of the tv as usual with a peanut butter sandwich. Its cheap and filling. You know what sucks? I don't even get a discount at the grocery store I work at! How cheap!
There is still a lot of snow out, but the sun is shining today. I called in to work this morning to see what they wanted me to do. I had to come in. Even if there were no customers, they had some training they wanted me to do for a new position they wanted me to take.
I pulled out my boots and hiked the 2 miles to work in the snow. Normally I ride my bike, well, it's really my roommate's bike, but she lets me use it. It was still cold, but the brisk walk kept me warm. Training was boring, as usual, but they wanted me to train to work in the customer service booth. I would have more responsibility and do more things that a manager might do. It was okay, but I didn't like being elevated. There were stairs in that stupid booth. I'm already tall, do I need to be taller?? Sheesh!
I got home and crashed in front of the tv as usual with a peanut butter sandwich. Its cheap and filling. You know what sucks? I don't even get a discount at the grocery store I work at! How cheap!
Not In MY Pants!
Dear Diary - 10/27
After almost a week of training in that stupid elevated booth, I decided I wanted to go back to where I originally was - renting videos and putting cigarettes away. Unfortunately, they had already made up the schedule for that and I was not on it. I had to resort to working as a bagger. Or as the store called them, courtesy clerks. I thought was low and degrading, but I actually got some tips helping people take their groceries to their cars. I was in and out of the store walking around. It actually turned out pretty nice. But then they put me back on schedule for videos and cigarettes, so I went.
I was closing up again when this man showed up to return a video. It was the same one I met a week ago. He asked me how I was and that he had not seen me for a while. I explained that I was training in the booth and nodded my head in the direction of the elevated booth. I explained that I didn't like it and came back over to videos. Much more to my liking since it was in a dark corner of the store.
We talked more and I enjoyed talking to him. It was refreshing to talk to a man that wasn't just trying to get into your pants. I feel like we are becoming friends. I see him so often now. The other day I came into work and my boss told me that my friend was here and at first I had no idea who she was talking about. I later saw him getting something from the deli. Well, now he was over here renting a video and we were talking. Again. After a while, I rented his video to him and said goodbye.
Just after he left, another guy came by to rent a video, and flirt. He was rude and obnoxious and I was not so nice to him. I handed him his video and thanked him for his business. On his way out he called me a hot babe. I rolled my eyes. Why do I always attract jerks?
After almost a week of training in that stupid elevated booth, I decided I wanted to go back to where I originally was - renting videos and putting cigarettes away. Unfortunately, they had already made up the schedule for that and I was not on it. I had to resort to working as a bagger. Or as the store called them, courtesy clerks. I thought was low and degrading, but I actually got some tips helping people take their groceries to their cars. I was in and out of the store walking around. It actually turned out pretty nice. But then they put me back on schedule for videos and cigarettes, so I went.
I was closing up again when this man showed up to return a video. It was the same one I met a week ago. He asked me how I was and that he had not seen me for a while. I explained that I was training in the booth and nodded my head in the direction of the elevated booth. I explained that I didn't like it and came back over to videos. Much more to my liking since it was in a dark corner of the store.
We talked more and I enjoyed talking to him. It was refreshing to talk to a man that wasn't just trying to get into your pants. I feel like we are becoming friends. I see him so often now. The other day I came into work and my boss told me that my friend was here and at first I had no idea who she was talking about. I later saw him getting something from the deli. Well, now he was over here renting a video and we were talking. Again. After a while, I rented his video to him and said goodbye.
Just after he left, another guy came by to rent a video, and flirt. He was rude and obnoxious and I was not so nice to him. I handed him his video and thanked him for his business. On his way out he called me a hot babe. I rolled my eyes. Why do I always attract jerks?
Halloween
Dear Diary - 10/31
It's Halloween and the other day, one of my bosses suggested dressing up. She was going to dress as a clown. I hate clowns. I also did not have money for a costume, so I threw together something with what I had. What I threw together, I should NOT have worn.
I showed up at work as a makeshift French Maid. Short skirt, high heels, the works. Yup. I was stupid. Not only did EVERY man walk by and look at my ass, but there were some freaky looking women that did too. I was never so happy to get home!
The only person who had not gawked at my butt cheeks peaking out from underneath my skirt was that man with the tortoise shell glasses. Maybe he looked, I don't know, but he sure didn't make a scene about it. He talked to me as if I was wearing my regular uniform.
Never again will I dress like a French Maid. Then again, maybe I should have charged for the view, I would have made more money! HA!
It's Halloween and the other day, one of my bosses suggested dressing up. She was going to dress as a clown. I hate clowns. I also did not have money for a costume, so I threw together something with what I had. What I threw together, I should NOT have worn.
I showed up at work as a makeshift French Maid. Short skirt, high heels, the works. Yup. I was stupid. Not only did EVERY man walk by and look at my ass, but there were some freaky looking women that did too. I was never so happy to get home!
The only person who had not gawked at my butt cheeks peaking out from underneath my skirt was that man with the tortoise shell glasses. Maybe he looked, I don't know, but he sure didn't make a scene about it. He talked to me as if I was wearing my regular uniform.
Never again will I dress like a French Maid. Then again, maybe I should have charged for the view, I would have made more money! HA!
Do You Want a Banana?
Dear Diary - 11/3
Today I was heading to the break room and this guy that works in the produce section came in behind me. He locked the door behind him and gave me this look like he expected me to strip for him. When I didn't give him what I thought he wanted, he made the excuse that he didn't know I was in there, he was simply going to change. Yeah right, that is what the bathrooms are for. I should never have worn that damn costume.
I left as fast as I could and he followed me. He asked me if I wanted to go out with him. I really had no interest in him. I don't have interest in anyone really. As politely as I could, I said no, not now. He looked upset, like he was really disappointed. I told him maybe later, I was currently getting over someone. It wasn't a lie, I had dated an ass of a boyfriend recently and it was over. Oh well. He would probably ask again later, or maybe not. It doesn't matter.
Today I was heading to the break room and this guy that works in the produce section came in behind me. He locked the door behind him and gave me this look like he expected me to strip for him. When I didn't give him what I thought he wanted, he made the excuse that he didn't know I was in there, he was simply going to change. Yeah right, that is what the bathrooms are for. I should never have worn that damn costume.
I left as fast as I could and he followed me. He asked me if I wanted to go out with him. I really had no interest in him. I don't have interest in anyone really. As politely as I could, I said no, not now. He looked upset, like he was really disappointed. I told him maybe later, I was currently getting over someone. It wasn't a lie, I had dated an ass of a boyfriend recently and it was over. Oh well. He would probably ask again later, or maybe not. It doesn't matter.
Date? No way!
Dear Diary - 11/18
Thanksgiving is coming up and this year it will be my very first Thanksgiving without my family. I'm kind of bummed. A friend of mine suggested going to this local breakfast place for dinner, but I didn't feel like it. But I miss my family. We usually have big gatherings with lots of home cooked food and fun. It was great.
The man with the glasses came by and rented a video. He asked me if I wanted to come with him to one of his friend's places for dinner. It was casual he said and assured me that it was not a date. I thought about it for a minute or two. I didn't know his friends, and I was a stranger. I don't feel comfortable being a stranger, so I politely declined and explained that I just miss my family.
I really wished that I had not moved so far away from home.
Thanksgiving is coming up and this year it will be my very first Thanksgiving without my family. I'm kind of bummed. A friend of mine suggested going to this local breakfast place for dinner, but I didn't feel like it. But I miss my family. We usually have big gatherings with lots of home cooked food and fun. It was great.
The man with the glasses came by and rented a video. He asked me if I wanted to come with him to one of his friend's places for dinner. It was casual he said and assured me that it was not a date. I thought about it for a minute or two. I didn't know his friends, and I was a stranger. I don't feel comfortable being a stranger, so I politely declined and explained that I just miss my family.
I really wished that I had not moved so far away from home.
Happy Thanksgiving
Dear Diary - 11/24
Happy Thanksgiving. I had to work today, only for about 4 hours, then the store closed. I got a frozen pizza before heading home and ate it all alone in my room by myself.
I miss my family so much!
Happy Thanksgiving. I had to work today, only for about 4 hours, then the store closed. I got a frozen pizza before heading home and ate it all alone in my room by myself.
I miss my family so much!
Bored...
Dear Diary - 11/30
I had a couple days off after Thanksgiving. Great. More days to not occupy my already boring time. I need to get a real life. I don't like sitting here all alone on a holiday. At least I have Christmas to look forward to. My mom is driving up to get me, we're going skiing, and then I will go back with her until the first of the year. Then we will drive all the way back here and mom will go home. So much driving. I wonder if I should fly home instead. If I had the money I would.
Tomorrow I go back to work. At least I'll have something to do.
I had a couple days off after Thanksgiving. Great. More days to not occupy my already boring time. I need to get a real life. I don't like sitting here all alone on a holiday. At least I have Christmas to look forward to. My mom is driving up to get me, we're going skiing, and then I will go back with her until the first of the year. Then we will drive all the way back here and mom will go home. So much driving. I wonder if I should fly home instead. If I had the money I would.
Tomorrow I go back to work. At least I'll have something to do.
Happy New Year!
Dear Diary - 12/31
Tomorrow mom will be driving me back and I will be going back to my job on the 4th. I'm not looking forward to going back to work, except to see my friend. I haven't heard from him in a long time, I hope he's had a good vacation.
Tomorrow mom will be driving me back and I will be going back to my job on the 4th. I'm not looking forward to going back to work, except to see my friend. I haven't heard from him in a long time, I hope he's had a good vacation.
Back to Work
Dear Diary - 12/1
Back to work today. Nothing special really happened. The produce guy was hounding me again to go out with him. He's too old for me. He's like 29. I told him I had plans for the holidays and didn't know when I would be back. I think he took that as a no. Who knows.
The guy with the glasses came in again. He said he had a good Thanksgiving and hoped that I did too. I told him it was okay but I missed my family. Then I told him of my trip back home for Christmas. He was going on a trip to see his parents too. How many guys do that anymore?? None that I know, except him. He must love his family dearly. What a great quality to have in a man...
Back to work today. Nothing special really happened. The produce guy was hounding me again to go out with him. He's too old for me. He's like 29. I told him I had plans for the holidays and didn't know when I would be back. I think he took that as a no. Who knows.
The guy with the glasses came in again. He said he had a good Thanksgiving and hoped that I did too. I told him it was okay but I missed my family. Then I told him of my trip back home for Christmas. He was going on a trip to see his parents too. How many guys do that anymore?? None that I know, except him. He must love his family dearly. What a great quality to have in a man...
New Car
Dear Diary - 12/5
Guess what? Today I bought a car!
My roommate just got a new car and I jokingly asked if I could buy her car for $50. I was shocked when she said yes! So I wrote her a check and she gave me the title and a reciept.
The car doesn't run...at least it hasn't run in a few days, which was why she got the new car. But now I have a car! I haven't had my own car before. I always walk or ride my bike or take the bus or bummed rides from people. Now I have a '68 vett! Okay, it's not a Corvette, it's a Chevette, but it's still a car!
I just gotta figure out how to get it started and then I have wheels. I don't know any mechanics...
Guess what? Today I bought a car!
My roommate just got a new car and I jokingly asked if I could buy her car for $50. I was shocked when she said yes! So I wrote her a check and she gave me the title and a reciept.
The car doesn't run...at least it hasn't run in a few days, which was why she got the new car. But now I have a car! I haven't had my own car before. I always walk or ride my bike or take the bus or bummed rides from people. Now I have a '68 vett! Okay, it's not a Corvette, it's a Chevette, but it's still a car!
I just gotta figure out how to get it started and then I have wheels. I don't know any mechanics...
Wouldn't You Like a 'Vette too?
Dear Diary - 12/6
I was so excited about my (not so) new car that when I got to work, I had to tell everyone about it. I got congrats all around, but no one knew a mechanic. Bummer. How would I ever get it started? I had no money to send it to the shop my roommate suggested. Well, at least I had a car for which I could probably at least sell it for more than $50 or part it out.
Later this evening, the man with the tortoise shell glasses came in. I was happy to see him and told him about my (not so) new car. He congratulated me too and asked what it was. I told him a Vette. He looked at me like..."How on earth did you score a 68 Corvette for $50???" Ha!!
I told him it was not a Corvette and it didn't run. Then, for some strange reason, I asked if he knew anything about cars. He said he did and would be happy to look at for me. WOOT! He said he could come over the next day (I had the day off) and apparently he worked evenings and nights. If he could get my car started I would be very happy!
I was so excited about my (not so) new car that when I got to work, I had to tell everyone about it. I got congrats all around, but no one knew a mechanic. Bummer. How would I ever get it started? I had no money to send it to the shop my roommate suggested. Well, at least I had a car for which I could probably at least sell it for more than $50 or part it out.
Later this evening, the man with the tortoise shell glasses came in. I was happy to see him and told him about my (not so) new car. He congratulated me too and asked what it was. I told him a Vette. He looked at me like..."How on earth did you score a 68 Corvette for $50???" Ha!!
I told him it was not a Corvette and it didn't run. Then, for some strange reason, I asked if he knew anything about cars. He said he did and would be happy to look at for me. WOOT! He said he could come over the next day (I had the day off) and apparently he worked evenings and nights. If he could get my car started I would be very happy!
Respect
Dear Diary - 12/7
Wow, today was great!
The man with the glasses came over to my house (well the house I live in), and took a look at my car. I don't know mechanics, but the ignition thing wasn't working right and I didn't have the money to replace it. Well, he was able to re-wire the car and install a push button thing in there that would allow the car to hot wire itself! The car started, but the battery was low. Luckily my other roommate has a charger, so I can just jump the car when I need to.
There was more to do with the car to get it running better. The man with the glasses took me to various auto part stores to pick up things. He paid for most of it, I felt bad that I didn't pay for it. He is such a great guy...so much more than all the jerks that I always attract. Once I had a guy drop his pants in front of me and said "Take a look at Rufus!" RUFUS??? He named his penis Rufus and showed it to me. It looked hideous to me. But what could I say, I'm still a virgin. Ha.
My friend, the man with the glasses, had not made any kind of sexual remarks or advances of any kind. He was simply a friend. He treats me with respect, the way I want to be treated. Well, he took me around to these part stores and then we stopped at Popeye's- you know, the fried chicken place- and he bought me lunch. We chatted away about the car and different things while we ate and then he took me home. He said he would come over again the next day (I had the next day off too) and he would work on my car some more. I thanked him and he left.
And now here I am writing in my diary. ha. Obviously. It is strange to me...he is by far the nicest and most respectful man I have ever met and I like that. I appreciate the fact that he doesn't try to smack my butt or grab my boobs. I like it that he opens the door for me. He is...and maybe I am too..."old fashioned". But I think it is more respectful than old fashioned. I like this guy, even with his ugly tortoise shell glasses.
Wow, today was great!
The man with the glasses came over to my house (well the house I live in), and took a look at my car. I don't know mechanics, but the ignition thing wasn't working right and I didn't have the money to replace it. Well, he was able to re-wire the car and install a push button thing in there that would allow the car to hot wire itself! The car started, but the battery was low. Luckily my other roommate has a charger, so I can just jump the car when I need to.
There was more to do with the car to get it running better. The man with the glasses took me to various auto part stores to pick up things. He paid for most of it, I felt bad that I didn't pay for it. He is such a great guy...so much more than all the jerks that I always attract. Once I had a guy drop his pants in front of me and said "Take a look at Rufus!" RUFUS??? He named his penis Rufus and showed it to me. It looked hideous to me. But what could I say, I'm still a virgin. Ha.
My friend, the man with the glasses, had not made any kind of sexual remarks or advances of any kind. He was simply a friend. He treats me with respect, the way I want to be treated. Well, he took me around to these part stores and then we stopped at Popeye's- you know, the fried chicken place- and he bought me lunch. We chatted away about the car and different things while we ate and then he took me home. He said he would come over again the next day (I had the next day off too) and he would work on my car some more. I thanked him and he left.
And now here I am writing in my diary. ha. Obviously. It is strange to me...he is by far the nicest and most respectful man I have ever met and I like that. I appreciate the fact that he doesn't try to smack my butt or grab my boobs. I like it that he opens the door for me. He is...and maybe I am too..."old fashioned". But I think it is more respectful than old fashioned. I like this guy, even with his ugly tortoise shell glasses.
Match Making??
Dear Diary - 12/8
My glasses man friend came over again today. He was going to help me with my driver's side window. It has not glass, only an ugly piece of old plastic that has gone from semi clear to not clear at all. And my rearview mirror was missing.
Again, he drove me around to various places, part stores, Home Depot, looking for things that would cheaply fix the window and mirror. We drove around in his big brown truck...I think most people would think it was ugly, but it didn't phase me any. My car was much uglier. I grew up around ugly cars....ha! And again we stopped and got something to eat. And again, we talked and talked.
I found out that he was much older than me, by 19 years. Yikes. But he would be perfect for my mother! She needed a nice man that knew how to fix cars. I think he will make a really nice step father. Except that I like how he treats me. I like it and I don't want to loose that respect.
*sigh*
We came back to my place and he fixed my window up with plexiglass. YAY! I can see out now AND I have a rearview mirror. Tomorrow I will drive to work!
My glasses man friend came over again today. He was going to help me with my driver's side window. It has not glass, only an ugly piece of old plastic that has gone from semi clear to not clear at all. And my rearview mirror was missing.
Again, he drove me around to various places, part stores, Home Depot, looking for things that would cheaply fix the window and mirror. We drove around in his big brown truck...I think most people would think it was ugly, but it didn't phase me any. My car was much uglier. I grew up around ugly cars....ha! And again we stopped and got something to eat. And again, we talked and talked.
I found out that he was much older than me, by 19 years. Yikes. But he would be perfect for my mother! She needed a nice man that knew how to fix cars. I think he will make a really nice step father. Except that I like how he treats me. I like it and I don't want to loose that respect.
*sigh*
We came back to my place and he fixed my window up with plexiglass. YAY! I can see out now AND I have a rearview mirror. Tomorrow I will drive to work!
Last Minute Date?
Dear Diary - 12/14
I had the day off again. It sucks when you only work about 20 hours a week. Ironically, my co-worker is going to school to be a nurse and they have her working 38 hours a week, and she's asking them to cut her hours back! What is wrong with this picture?? Oh well. I will start looking for a new job when I come back from Christmas break.
I had the day off again. It sucks when you only work about 20 hours a week. Ironically, my co-worker is going to school to be a nurse and they have her working 38 hours a week, and she's asking them to cut her hours back! What is wrong with this picture?? Oh well. I will start looking for a new job when I come back from Christmas break.
My friend with the glasses came over today and we ran some errands and fixed a few more things on my car. He took me to get my car registered at the DOT place. I got my new plates and registration and we went back to my place to put them on. Now I could really drive. I could actually expand my job search further than the 6 mile radius in which I have been walking and riding my bike.
Well, it was getting kind of late and my friend with the glasses and I were getting hungry. He invited me out to eat with him. I was so hungry, I agreed. We decided to take my "new" car. I drove to Popeye's and we chatted happily over some yummy chicken. Then my friend suggested we go to the zoo to see the Christmas lights. The zoo decorated with lights at Christmas and had a few of the animal habitats open. So we went. It was dark and I drove up the winding road (and uphill). My car didn't go any faster than 5 miles an hour! haha! It was fun though.
The zoo was fun and we walked around in the dark looking at the animals and lights. We got to the Orangutan enclosure and they were flashing their big red butts at us! haha! When we left, I asked my friend if he could drive down the big winding hills because I just was not sure about them. He took the hills at 60mph!! It was fun, but the car shook really hard so we had to slow down.
On the way down we talked more. I told him I had been in Girl Scouts and we used to make smores. I could not believe he had not had a smore! So we stopped by the nearest grocery store and picked up the stuff and we went back to his place.
Before we got there, he told me he had 2 dogs and a cat. The dogs, I would see and the cat I would probably never see. When we came inside, I greeted the two dogs. They are so cute! I think they like me; maybe I'll come over and play with them again. A little later, I sat on his couch while he got the fire going in the fireplace, and I saw a little shape at the top of the stairs. It was his cat. I called the kitty and she came over to me and demanded that I pet her and purred. Guess she likes me too.
Well, we ate our yummy smores and it was getting late and I decided that I needed to go home. I had to open the video booth in the morning. But I had a wonderful time. I thought to myself, "Is this what real dating is like?" Is this what it is like to find someone you like and get to know them? It was so easy! At least it was with the man in the glasses.
Dammit! That will put a kink into my plans on setting him up with my mother!
Trip Time
Dear Diary - 12/18
My mother just got here and tomorrow we will head into the mountains to go skiing. Then we will take our long trip back home. It will take us 2 days to drive back. It will be a fun road trip though. I can't wait to see my family too. The last I saw them it was in June.
Mom stopped by my work while I was getting off and guess what? My friend with the glasses was there! I introduced them hoping that I would see sparks fly and they would instantly fall in love. I was a bit disappointed that didn't happen, but relieved too. They formally said hi and I said goodbye to the man with the glasses and left with my mom. My friend with the glasses was getting ready to leave to visit his parents in the South. I didn't take him for a Southerner. But then again, I was from the South too...well, sort of.
I have to go pack my things and I'm not sure if you will hear from me in a while.
Ta-ta!
My mother just got here and tomorrow we will head into the mountains to go skiing. Then we will take our long trip back home. It will take us 2 days to drive back. It will be a fun road trip though. I can't wait to see my family too. The last I saw them it was in June.
Mom stopped by my work while I was getting off and guess what? My friend with the glasses was there! I introduced them hoping that I would see sparks fly and they would instantly fall in love. I was a bit disappointed that didn't happen, but relieved too. They formally said hi and I said goodbye to the man with the glasses and left with my mom. My friend with the glasses was getting ready to leave to visit his parents in the South. I didn't take him for a Southerner. But then again, I was from the South too...well, sort of.
I have to go pack my things and I'm not sure if you will hear from me in a while.
Ta-ta!
Merry Christmas!
Dear Diary - 12/24
We had a lot of fun skiing, but mom fell trying to ski over a mogul and ending up ripping her ski suit. She's okay.
It is strange being back home. It's like I never left, but at the same time, it's like everything has changed and I don't recognize anyone. I miss my new home. I miss the pretty scenery. Strangely enough, I miss my job, even as sucky as it is. But mostly, I miss my friend - the man with the glasses. I hope he has a good Christmas with his family.
We had a lot of fun skiing, but mom fell trying to ski over a mogul and ending up ripping her ski suit. She's okay.
It is strange being back home. It's like I never left, but at the same time, it's like everything has changed and I don't recognize anyone. I miss my new home. I miss the pretty scenery. Strangely enough, I miss my job, even as sucky as it is. But mostly, I miss my friend - the man with the glasses. I hope he has a good Christmas with his family.
Back Home, New Year, Hope it's Good
Dear Diary 1/3
I'm back home now and my mother just left to go back to her home. It was a long trip and I'm exhausted. I'm not on schedule to work until next week, so I can catch up with my sleep. Unfortunately that also means that I haven't gotten and will not get a paycheck for a long time. How am I going to pay my rent now? I've been renting this room for a year now, I hope my landlord lady will let me make smaller payments.
When I got home, I noticed that my landlord had put all my mail in a pile under my door. Junk junk junk card. I love getting cards in the mail. It was post marked from Tennessee. I don't know anyone from Tennessee, but I opened it. It was from my friend! The man with the glasses! How sweet!
He said he wanted to help me out since it was apparent that my job didn't pay much and a check fell out of the card. Wow! I could not believe how much money it was! Okay, yeah, I know most people wouldn't consider $200 much, but I sure did!
He also invited me to call him so that we could go skiing. I wanted to go, I really did, but a fleeting thought ran through my mind. Is he trying to buy my friendship?? I did not think he would do that, but just in case, I would not cash the check until I talked with him. He said in his card that he wasn't going to be back for a few more days. Maybe I'll take this time to look for better jobs.
Ew, a bill...oh wait, that one is for my roommate. Phew!
I'm back home now and my mother just left to go back to her home. It was a long trip and I'm exhausted. I'm not on schedule to work until next week, so I can catch up with my sleep. Unfortunately that also means that I haven't gotten and will not get a paycheck for a long time. How am I going to pay my rent now? I've been renting this room for a year now, I hope my landlord lady will let me make smaller payments.
When I got home, I noticed that my landlord had put all my mail in a pile under my door. Junk junk junk card. I love getting cards in the mail. It was post marked from Tennessee. I don't know anyone from Tennessee, but I opened it. It was from my friend! The man with the glasses! How sweet!
He said he wanted to help me out since it was apparent that my job didn't pay much and a check fell out of the card. Wow! I could not believe how much money it was! Okay, yeah, I know most people wouldn't consider $200 much, but I sure did!
He also invited me to call him so that we could go skiing. I wanted to go, I really did, but a fleeting thought ran through my mind. Is he trying to buy my friendship?? I did not think he would do that, but just in case, I would not cash the check until I talked with him. He said in his card that he wasn't going to be back for a few more days. Maybe I'll take this time to look for better jobs.
Ew, a bill...oh wait, that one is for my roommate. Phew!
Great...
Dear Diary- 1/8
I still haven't talked to my friend with the glasses yet. In some ways I really miss him, but I have been really busy looking for a new job. I will have to look further away because now I can drive. I heard there is a department store that is hiring. It's different than food, but I'm willing to learn.
I've been chatting on the internet since mom gave me her old computer. It's fun. I've met lots of people to talk to and a few actually live in the same city. There is this one guy, he sounds really cool and nice. He asked to meet at Denny's... I'm thinking about it. Yeah yeah yeah, I know. There are dangers of meeting people online. Nothing like that will ever happen to me, I can take care of myself.
Now my roommate has a weird boyfriend. He follows me around and looks at me like I'm something he can have. It gives me the creeps. If I get a new job that pays more, I think I will look for another place to live. It's getting weird here...
I still haven't talked to my friend with the glasses yet. In some ways I really miss him, but I have been really busy looking for a new job. I will have to look further away because now I can drive. I heard there is a department store that is hiring. It's different than food, but I'm willing to learn.
I've been chatting on the internet since mom gave me her old computer. It's fun. I've met lots of people to talk to and a few actually live in the same city. There is this one guy, he sounds really cool and nice. He asked to meet at Denny's... I'm thinking about it. Yeah yeah yeah, I know. There are dangers of meeting people online. Nothing like that will ever happen to me, I can take care of myself.
Now my roommate has a weird boyfriend. He follows me around and looks at me like I'm something he can have. It gives me the creeps. If I get a new job that pays more, I think I will look for another place to live. It's getting weird here...
New Boyfriend
Dear Diary - 1/15
Hello there! I'm sorry Diary, I've been so busy that I haven't had much time to write. I have a boyfriend!! Can you believe it? Actually I have two guys that want to be my boyfriend. I haven't decided which one yet. No, we're not kissing or holding hands or anything like that. NO, no sex either. Ew!
I met both these guys online and I've met one. He is so tall and super cute! He's also in the Army. He took me to a movie and dinner and was very sweet. Exactly what a girl expects. But then I met that other guy at Denny's. He's not quite as mature as the other guy, but he likes to do all the crazy things I do - like climb mountains and ski. He even suggested a climbing trip up the local mountain. Sounds like fun to me!
Army guy wants to take me to a nice restaurant next weekend.
Mountain guy wants to climb.
Is it possible to do both??
Hello there! I'm sorry Diary, I've been so busy that I haven't had much time to write. I have a boyfriend!! Can you believe it? Actually I have two guys that want to be my boyfriend. I haven't decided which one yet. No, we're not kissing or holding hands or anything like that. NO, no sex either. Ew!
I met both these guys online and I've met one. He is so tall and super cute! He's also in the Army. He took me to a movie and dinner and was very sweet. Exactly what a girl expects. But then I met that other guy at Denny's. He's not quite as mature as the other guy, but he likes to do all the crazy things I do - like climb mountains and ski. He even suggested a climbing trip up the local mountain. Sounds like fun to me!
Army guy wants to take me to a nice restaurant next weekend.
Mountain guy wants to climb.
Is it possible to do both??
Which One??
Dear Diary- 1/20
I've been kind of stressed lately trying to decide which guy I like better and who I would want to take the relationship further with...then it was quickly decided. Army guy had to leave on deployment. And I wasn't too sure about him anyway, he took me back to his place and when I sat on his couch, I saw long brown hairs...I think he was trolling. Oh well. He was cute though.
Mountain guy and I tried to climb the local peak, but the winds were so strong that they sent out park rangers to tell everyone not to drive, or hike, passed a certain point. Oh well, we still had fun. We're planning a trip in February to climb the state's highest mountain!
Oh!! And I got a new job. I don't officially start until Feb though. I also filled in an application at an apartment complex. I can move in in guess what? That's right, Feb! Everything is happening next month! Just in time too, I don't think I can take too much of this crazy house. Do you know what I saw coming back from the bathroom the other night? My next door roommate and her boyfriend going at it...WITH their dog!! I nearly threw up! How disgusting! I know I need to get out of here and fast! February won't come soon enough!
I've been kind of stressed lately trying to decide which guy I like better and who I would want to take the relationship further with...then it was quickly decided. Army guy had to leave on deployment. And I wasn't too sure about him anyway, he took me back to his place and when I sat on his couch, I saw long brown hairs...I think he was trolling. Oh well. He was cute though.
Mountain guy and I tried to climb the local peak, but the winds were so strong that they sent out park rangers to tell everyone not to drive, or hike, passed a certain point. Oh well, we still had fun. We're planning a trip in February to climb the state's highest mountain!
Oh!! And I got a new job. I don't officially start until Feb though. I also filled in an application at an apartment complex. I can move in in guess what? That's right, Feb! Everything is happening next month! Just in time too, I don't think I can take too much of this crazy house. Do you know what I saw coming back from the bathroom the other night? My next door roommate and her boyfriend going at it...WITH their dog!! I nearly threw up! How disgusting! I know I need to get out of here and fast! February won't come soon enough!
Homeless
Dear Diary 1/29
I'm homeless now. It is the last days of my job and I came home to find my roommate had gone through my room, drawers, boxes, and taken lots of things. She hid them in a room to which she had forgotten she had given me the key to. My bathroom was in that room. I thought it was odd that it was locked, but when I went in, there was ALL my stuff! She was hiding it from me! That's it, I've got to get out of here. Between all the crazy sex stuff and this, there is no way I am staying here. It's not good.
Mountain guy came over with his truck as I frantically packed every one of my belongings into the few boxes that I had. As soon as he was here, we loaded all my stuff into the back of the truck and I took off.
I can't move into my apartment for a while, so a friend said she would let me stay at her house tonight. She lives with her mother, so I don't think I can live there for a week. I leave on my climbing trip in a couple days, but I still do not know where I am going to stay for the next couple nights. I hate this feeling and I don't know what I should do.
I'm homeless now. It is the last days of my job and I came home to find my roommate had gone through my room, drawers, boxes, and taken lots of things. She hid them in a room to which she had forgotten she had given me the key to. My bathroom was in that room. I thought it was odd that it was locked, but when I went in, there was ALL my stuff! She was hiding it from me! That's it, I've got to get out of here. Between all the crazy sex stuff and this, there is no way I am staying here. It's not good.
Mountain guy came over with his truck as I frantically packed every one of my belongings into the few boxes that I had. As soon as he was here, we loaded all my stuff into the back of the truck and I took off.
I can't move into my apartment for a while, so a friend said she would let me stay at her house tonight. She lives with her mother, so I don't think I can live there for a week. I leave on my climbing trip in a couple days, but I still do not know where I am going to stay for the next couple nights. I hate this feeling and I don't know what I should do.
Hiatus
Dear Diary- 2/1
I leave for my climbing trip in a few hours. I've been awake since 3am packing my pack and getting together my food. Seeing as how I'm still homeless, I don't know when I will have time to write again. Hopefully the next time I write, I'll be in my new apartment.
See ya later!
I leave for my climbing trip in a few hours. I've been awake since 3am packing my pack and getting together my food. Seeing as how I'm still homeless, I don't know when I will have time to write again. Hopefully the next time I write, I'll be in my new apartment.
See ya later!
Wednesday
Is Life Over Now?
Dear Diary- 2/6
So many different emotions are clouding my head now. How could so much happen to me in such a short period of time? I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what to do.
The climbing trip was okay, but Mountain guy is a liar. He told me he was experienced with climbing, but he did not even know the basics! Made me so angry that he screwed up our ascent to the peak. We were only 500 feet from the summit and we ended up sliding on our butts down the mountain. Ass. He could have gotten us killed.
It had been 3 days since I slept in a bed and had a shower. Mountain guy pulled into this crappy little motel that looked like it had permenant residents of cockroaches. I asked him not to stop, I didn't feel comfortable going to a motel with him...especially a nasty looing dive like this one. He said he would take a shower and sleep in the truck if that made me feel better. As tired as I was, I agreed. I went into the office and paid for a room.
It was...icky. Dark and smelly, but at that point, I didn't care. Mountain guy ran to a local grocery store and bought little shampoo bottles and soap. The bathroom was old and dark, but at least it smelled like someone had cleaned it. It felt good to have the hot water wash away the climb and tiredness, but somehow I felt myself grow sleepy.
After my shower, Mountain guy went in for his while I flipped through the channels on the old black and white tv in the corner of the room. There was nothing interesting as usual. I fell asleep. I had never felt so tired in my life and the bed, though worn and musty, was welcoming. I drifted away listening to the shower running and the muffled voices on the tv.
I don't know how long I slept, but the next thing I know, I woke up violently shaking. At first I thought I was sick or something, but I fel this heavy mass on top of me and I couldn't breathe. I felt this tightening in my throat. Mountain guy was on top of me! He was trying to take off my clothes! I couldn't scream, my throat was constricted too much, but I remember asking to please stop. No, I don't want you to do this. Please. Stop. No!
I honestly don't remember what happened next. I woke up, the sun was shining and Mountain guy was passed out snoring on the bed. I was disgusted. I felt violated and unclean, but I still could not remember why. My head was full of cobwebs. I ran to the shower to scrub myself clean. After my shower I kicked Mountain guy in the ribs and told him to take me home. Wherever that was, I still had not moved into my new apartment yet.
The drive home was quiet. Me with my foggy thoughts, and him with...with whatever nastiness he had in his head.
So many different emotions are clouding my head now. How could so much happen to me in such a short period of time? I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what to do.
The climbing trip was okay, but Mountain guy is a liar. He told me he was experienced with climbing, but he did not even know the basics! Made me so angry that he screwed up our ascent to the peak. We were only 500 feet from the summit and we ended up sliding on our butts down the mountain. Ass. He could have gotten us killed.
It had been 3 days since I slept in a bed and had a shower. Mountain guy pulled into this crappy little motel that looked like it had permenant residents of cockroaches. I asked him not to stop, I didn't feel comfortable going to a motel with him...especially a nasty looing dive like this one. He said he would take a shower and sleep in the truck if that made me feel better. As tired as I was, I agreed. I went into the office and paid for a room.
It was...icky. Dark and smelly, but at that point, I didn't care. Mountain guy ran to a local grocery store and bought little shampoo bottles and soap. The bathroom was old and dark, but at least it smelled like someone had cleaned it. It felt good to have the hot water wash away the climb and tiredness, but somehow I felt myself grow sleepy.
After my shower, Mountain guy went in for his while I flipped through the channels on the old black and white tv in the corner of the room. There was nothing interesting as usual. I fell asleep. I had never felt so tired in my life and the bed, though worn and musty, was welcoming. I drifted away listening to the shower running and the muffled voices on the tv.
I don't know how long I slept, but the next thing I know, I woke up violently shaking. At first I thought I was sick or something, but I fel this heavy mass on top of me and I couldn't breathe. I felt this tightening in my throat. Mountain guy was on top of me! He was trying to take off my clothes! I couldn't scream, my throat was constricted too much, but I remember asking to please stop. No, I don't want you to do this. Please. Stop. No!
I honestly don't remember what happened next. I woke up, the sun was shining and Mountain guy was passed out snoring on the bed. I was disgusted. I felt violated and unclean, but I still could not remember why. My head was full of cobwebs. I ran to the shower to scrub myself clean. After my shower I kicked Mountain guy in the ribs and told him to take me home. Wherever that was, I still had not moved into my new apartment yet.
The drive home was quiet. Me with my foggy thoughts, and him with...with whatever nastiness he had in his head.
So Used....
Dear Diary- 2/7
I remember more clearly what happened. Mountain guy raped me. I never gave him permission to do what he did to me. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. This kind of thing never happens to me. What will he do if I called the police? Will the police even do anything about it? I doubt that they would believe me. They might even think that I encouraged it...or something. Mountain guy is strong. If I call the police, how do I know he won't try to kill me?
I just don't know what to do but cry.
I feel so used. I feel dirty.
I remember more clearly what happened. Mountain guy raped me. I never gave him permission to do what he did to me. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. This kind of thing never happens to me. What will he do if I called the police? Will the police even do anything about it? I doubt that they would believe me. They might even think that I encouraged it...or something. Mountain guy is strong. If I call the police, how do I know he won't try to kill me?
I just don't know what to do but cry.
I feel so used. I feel dirty.
Tuesday
Sorry for what I did?
Dear Diary- 2/10
I have moved into my new apartment. It's not what I had hoped for, but then again, life has taken an unexpected turn for me. Nothing seems good anymore. I have my own place now, but now I am alone even moreso.
Tomorrow I start my new job, maybe it will help to be with new people?
By the way, Mountain guy seems to think he can come over whenever he wants. Should I let him? He seems almost apologetic for what he did to me. Maybe he is sorry.
I have moved into my new apartment. It's not what I had hoped for, but then again, life has taken an unexpected turn for me. Nothing seems good anymore. I have my own place now, but now I am alone even moreso.
Tomorrow I start my new job, maybe it will help to be with new people?
By the way, Mountain guy seems to think he can come over whenever he wants. Should I let him? He seems almost apologetic for what he did to me. Maybe he is sorry.
Happy Valentine's Day- ha
Dear Diary- 2/13
Valentines Day is tomorrow, but I do not feel so loved. My new job is okay, the people are nice and I'm working in the baby department. I have to arrange products and help people find things, and set up baby registries for people. It's not very exciting, but I get paid more and I get more hours than I did before. I guess working will help keep me busy and maybe I can forget about all the bad things.
Or maybe not. Mountain guy is bringing a friend over to my apartment. I think they are high on something because they are loud and obnoxious. I think they are headed for trouble. I hope they don't bring it here.
Valentines Day is tomorrow, but I do not feel so loved. My new job is okay, the people are nice and I'm working in the baby department. I have to arrange products and help people find things, and set up baby registries for people. It's not very exciting, but I get paid more and I get more hours than I did before. I guess working will help keep me busy and maybe I can forget about all the bad things.
Or maybe not. Mountain guy is bringing a friend over to my apartment. I think they are high on something because they are loud and obnoxious. I think they are headed for trouble. I hope they don't bring it here.
Monday
Uh Oh.
Dear Diary- 2/17
I feel ...weird. I can't explain it. I feel like throwing up, I feel emotionally unstable, I feel...strange.
There are things, physical things with my body, that I just feel is...different. One of my old co-workers thinks I'm pregnant. I don't think I can handle this....
I feel ...weird. I can't explain it. I feel like throwing up, I feel emotionally unstable, I feel...strange.
There are things, physical things with my body, that I just feel is...different. One of my old co-workers thinks I'm pregnant. I don't think I can handle this....
I Hate My Life...
Dear Diary- 2/18
I hate this apartment. I hate Mountain guy. I hate my life. Mountain guy's friend was arrested and Mountain guy wrote a check to bail him out of jail, but it bounced. This morning I was getting ready for work when bounty hunters came knocking on my door looking for Mountain guy and his friend. I told them he wasn't here but they didn't believe me. I cried and said I'm not lying, no one was here but me. They yelled at me and called me bad names and showed their guns at me. I was so scared. I didn't know what to do so I called my friend - the man with the glasses. He said he would be right over to pick me up.
By the way, I threw up this morning...
I hate this apartment. I hate Mountain guy. I hate my life. Mountain guy's friend was arrested and Mountain guy wrote a check to bail him out of jail, but it bounced. This morning I was getting ready for work when bounty hunters came knocking on my door looking for Mountain guy and his friend. I told them he wasn't here but they didn't believe me. I cried and said I'm not lying, no one was here but me. They yelled at me and called me bad names and showed their guns at me. I was so scared. I didn't know what to do so I called my friend - the man with the glasses. He said he would be right over to pick me up.
By the way, I threw up this morning...
Sunday
This is My Fight
Dear Diary- 2/19
My friend, the man with the glasses came over yesterday and picked me up. He took me away from my apartment and took me to a restaurant so I could eat. I told him what had happened. I told him about how I think I might be pregnant. You should have seen his eyes...they reflected sadness and anger that someone could do something like that. Sadness because he was seeing it in me. I just wanted to curl up and cry in his arms, but I told myself that I had to remain strong.
The man with the glasses offered me his spare room at his place so I could get away from all the bad things that had been happening. It was very nice of him to offer, but I did not accept. He explained that he was busy with some up and coming things in his life and I did not think he needed the extra burden. He was currently going through a divorce and it sounded like his soon to be ex was a complete psycho woman. He definitely doesn't need my problems.
We brought me back to my apartment and when I went inside, EVERYTHING was in shambles. Someone had broken into my apartment, gone through my boxes, drawers, closets, and threw things everywhere. It wasn't Mountain guy because he didn't have a key. My friend with the glasses, and I think this too, think that those bounty hunters came in and talked the apartment manager into letting them into my apartment. For what?? There was no one there!
My friend with the glasses said he didn't like the looks of this and offered his spare room again. I politely refused. He really doesn't need this mess.
My friend, the man with the glasses came over yesterday and picked me up. He took me away from my apartment and took me to a restaurant so I could eat. I told him what had happened. I told him about how I think I might be pregnant. You should have seen his eyes...they reflected sadness and anger that someone could do something like that. Sadness because he was seeing it in me. I just wanted to curl up and cry in his arms, but I told myself that I had to remain strong.
The man with the glasses offered me his spare room at his place so I could get away from all the bad things that had been happening. It was very nice of him to offer, but I did not accept. He explained that he was busy with some up and coming things in his life and I did not think he needed the extra burden. He was currently going through a divorce and it sounded like his soon to be ex was a complete psycho woman. He definitely doesn't need my problems.
We brought me back to my apartment and when I went inside, EVERYTHING was in shambles. Someone had broken into my apartment, gone through my boxes, drawers, closets, and threw things everywhere. It wasn't Mountain guy because he didn't have a key. My friend with the glasses, and I think this too, think that those bounty hunters came in and talked the apartment manager into letting them into my apartment. For what?? There was no one there!
My friend with the glasses said he didn't like the looks of this and offered his spare room again. I politely refused. He really doesn't need this mess.
When It Rains, It Pours
Dear Diary - 2/25
It just seems that when one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong. Why can't things just go right for me, just once. That's all that I ask.
I've been working so many hours and my boss is a complete bitch! She has me fill in for everybody but when I need to ask off for a doctor's appointment, she refuses and says that there is much work that needs to be done. She's a slave driver! They have also been training me on the cashier since there REALLY isn't that much work to be done in the baby department. Ha. Ironic.
I took one of those home pregnancy tests. It came back positive and I have missed my period by 5 days already. I just feel weird. I really really need to see a doctor.
Everyone at work keeps telling me to sign up for WIC and Medicaid so that I can see a doctor regularly, and since I only make $4.75 an hour and less than $1000 a month, I should qualify. I'll call and see if I can get an appointment on one of my few days off.
Oh, and my car is dead now. I have no idea what happened to it, but it just won't run. So now I have to rely on the stupid bus system here, that is completely unreliable or I have to walk to work. Walking to work is fine, except that I have to stop every five minutes and throw up. And it's winter. And it's about 8 miles one way.
Most the time, I get off work at 10pm and guess what? No bus. That means I'm walking, or I'm bumming a ride from someone. I feel awful asking people for rides home all the time. I mentioned this to my boss and asked for day time hours and she laughed in my face. Evil bitch.
Mountain guy is a complete ass. He left...I mean...literally, he disappeared and I haven't heard from him. I don't mind that since I hate what he did to me, but I am left to deal with the fall out of all the crap he put me through. I am the one that has to deal with throwing up every morning. I am the one that has to deal with those damn bounty hunters coming to my door all the time harassing me and calling me a liar. I am the one that has to pick up the pieces of what is left of my life. It just...sucks.
I suppose the only thing I can do is grin and bear it and move on.
It just seems that when one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong. Why can't things just go right for me, just once. That's all that I ask.
I've been working so many hours and my boss is a complete bitch! She has me fill in for everybody but when I need to ask off for a doctor's appointment, she refuses and says that there is much work that needs to be done. She's a slave driver! They have also been training me on the cashier since there REALLY isn't that much work to be done in the baby department. Ha. Ironic.
I took one of those home pregnancy tests. It came back positive and I have missed my period by 5 days already. I just feel weird. I really really need to see a doctor.
Everyone at work keeps telling me to sign up for WIC and Medicaid so that I can see a doctor regularly, and since I only make $4.75 an hour and less than $1000 a month, I should qualify. I'll call and see if I can get an appointment on one of my few days off.
Oh, and my car is dead now. I have no idea what happened to it, but it just won't run. So now I have to rely on the stupid bus system here, that is completely unreliable or I have to walk to work. Walking to work is fine, except that I have to stop every five minutes and throw up. And it's winter. And it's about 8 miles one way.
Most the time, I get off work at 10pm and guess what? No bus. That means I'm walking, or I'm bumming a ride from someone. I feel awful asking people for rides home all the time. I mentioned this to my boss and asked for day time hours and she laughed in my face. Evil bitch.
Mountain guy is a complete ass. He left...I mean...literally, he disappeared and I haven't heard from him. I don't mind that since I hate what he did to me, but I am left to deal with the fall out of all the crap he put me through. I am the one that has to deal with throwing up every morning. I am the one that has to deal with those damn bounty hunters coming to my door all the time harassing me and calling me a liar. I am the one that has to pick up the pieces of what is left of my life. It just...sucks.
I suppose the only thing I can do is grin and bear it and move on.
Saturday
Are You Calling Me A Liar??
Dear Diary- 3-1
My job sucks. I've been working the cash register and that's really okay with me except that I can not sit down. My back is KILLING me! I have three bosses now. We call them Krusty, Musty, and Dusty. They are all old disgusting women. Krusty is only 40, but she looks like she's 70. She wears too much makeup and smokes like a chimney. We call her Krusty because her skin and makeup crack, even when she doesn't make a face.
Musty isn't too bad. She can be nice, but she's also a pushover and she can't stand up against Krusty and Dusty. She smells...weird. Like cat pee and cigarette smoke.
Then there is Dusty. She is like 80 years old. Well, I don't really know her real age, but she is old. She runs the books. When the day is over, we have to go to her office and count our till. All day long she sits in her office with an oxygen tank and mask. I guess she has some kind of medical problem, but she must not care too much because if she's not in the office, she's outside smoking a cigarette. Which she is doing WITH the oxygen tank. Ummm, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that... dangerous??
Anyway, Krusty, Musty, and Dusty don't believe me when I tell them I am pregnant. It doesn't matter if I was or wasn't, they squatted by the side of the road and had their children and proceeded to work the fields, so why can't I? Whatever.
Another cashier is pregnant and they believe her. Maybe its because I'm not showing yet. Or maybe it's because I still haven't had the chance to see a doctor.
I still haven't heard from Mountain guy. Good riddance.
My job sucks. I've been working the cash register and that's really okay with me except that I can not sit down. My back is KILLING me! I have three bosses now. We call them Krusty, Musty, and Dusty. They are all old disgusting women. Krusty is only 40, but she looks like she's 70. She wears too much makeup and smokes like a chimney. We call her Krusty because her skin and makeup crack, even when she doesn't make a face.
Musty isn't too bad. She can be nice, but she's also a pushover and she can't stand up against Krusty and Dusty. She smells...weird. Like cat pee and cigarette smoke.
Then there is Dusty. She is like 80 years old. Well, I don't really know her real age, but she is old. She runs the books. When the day is over, we have to go to her office and count our till. All day long she sits in her office with an oxygen tank and mask. I guess she has some kind of medical problem, but she must not care too much because if she's not in the office, she's outside smoking a cigarette. Which she is doing WITH the oxygen tank. Ummm, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that... dangerous??
Anyway, Krusty, Musty, and Dusty don't believe me when I tell them I am pregnant. It doesn't matter if I was or wasn't, they squatted by the side of the road and had their children and proceeded to work the fields, so why can't I? Whatever.
Another cashier is pregnant and they believe her. Maybe its because I'm not showing yet. Or maybe it's because I still haven't had the chance to see a doctor.
I still haven't heard from Mountain guy. Good riddance.
The Routine
Dear Diary- 3/12
I think I'm going to just throw myself off a cliff. Save myself from all this torture and misery. Every morning I wake up, puke, shower, puke, walk to bus stop, puke, get to work, puke, stand at the cashier all day hoping to not puke. I do not feel like eating anything. Everything stinks. I feel like crying at the most stupid things. I want to be left alone, but not, because if I'm alone, the nightmares scare me.
Mountain guy showed up at my apartment. Great. He went on to tell me how sorry he was and that he would never do such things again and that he thought he...get this...he thought he was falling for me. Right. You just show up and tell me you love me? I doubt it very much. But the way he said those things, and maybe it is because I'm so emotionally unstable right now, I wanted to hear it and accept it.
I told him I was pregnant, but he already knew from a mutual acquaintance.
He smiled and said, "That's great! My mom and dad can help us out..." blah blah blah blah. I tuned him out because suddenly I had an urge to barf all over him. "Yeah, so maybe we can get married or something."
WHAT??? Did I just hear him correctly? What the hell was this guy talking about marriage for? I didn't want to marry him. Then I thought about it... his parents were "good church going people" and they had probably convinced him to talk me into being their next little project.
I told him I'd think about it, but I was really kind of busy with work. He ended up sleeping in my apartment, but not near me. I kept the door to my room closed and locked.
I think I'm going to just throw myself off a cliff. Save myself from all this torture and misery. Every morning I wake up, puke, shower, puke, walk to bus stop, puke, get to work, puke, stand at the cashier all day hoping to not puke. I do not feel like eating anything. Everything stinks. I feel like crying at the most stupid things. I want to be left alone, but not, because if I'm alone, the nightmares scare me.
Mountain guy showed up at my apartment. Great. He went on to tell me how sorry he was and that he would never do such things again and that he thought he...get this...he thought he was falling for me. Right. You just show up and tell me you love me? I doubt it very much. But the way he said those things, and maybe it is because I'm so emotionally unstable right now, I wanted to hear it and accept it.
I told him I was pregnant, but he already knew from a mutual acquaintance.
He smiled and said, "That's great! My mom and dad can help us out..." blah blah blah blah. I tuned him out because suddenly I had an urge to barf all over him. "Yeah, so maybe we can get married or something."
WHAT??? Did I just hear him correctly? What the hell was this guy talking about marriage for? I didn't want to marry him. Then I thought about it... his parents were "good church going people" and they had probably convinced him to talk me into being their next little project.
I told him I'd think about it, but I was really kind of busy with work. He ended up sleeping in my apartment, but not near me. I kept the door to my room closed and locked.
Friday
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
Dear Diary- 3/12
Tonight I saw my friend, the man with the glasses. He had a free moment and I needed a ride home from work. He picked me up and took me to this really great Chinese place and I got some wanton soup. It was really good and it felt good to fill my tummy. I haven't eaten much of anything since morning sickness started.
We talked for a while and I caught him up on what was going on with me. I told him I was pregnant. At least the home test said I was but I still had not seen a doctor. He urged me to see one, but I just couldn't. I couldn't get the time off from work.
I told him how Mountain guy suggested that we get married and have the baby and yada yada yada. I think he was sad for me as if I was giving up. But I don't want to marry Mountain guy. He is an ass. But there are not many other options for me. I just don't know what to do.
Over the past few weeks, Mountain guy had been coming to my apartment usually fluctuating between wanting me to "give it up" and going out to Taco Bell with friends. I never did know what he would want to do, but I never "gave it up" and I am growing tired of his stupid games. In fact, I just want him gone. I want him out of my life so that I can move on.
Well, my friend, the man with the glasses brought me home with a takeout bag of egg rolls and wanton soup and guess who was there? Mountain guy. We saw his truck when we drove up. Great. This is not what I wanted. The man with the glasses said he had to go and we said goodbye. I think he felt awkward with Mountain guy there...like I was cheating on him or something. Weird.
I said goodbye to my friend and went inside. Mountain guy was standing in my living room butt naked.
"Get your clothes off, let's have sex!" He said. I was pissed. I picked up his clothes and his truck keys and threw them out the door into the apartment hallway and told him to get out. I never wanted to see him again. He had to go out there naked. HA!
I don't ever want to see Mountain guy again and I hope my friend with the glasses isn't angry with me. I worry he thinks I actually want to marry this looser!
Tonight I saw my friend, the man with the glasses. He had a free moment and I needed a ride home from work. He picked me up and took me to this really great Chinese place and I got some wanton soup. It was really good and it felt good to fill my tummy. I haven't eaten much of anything since morning sickness started.
We talked for a while and I caught him up on what was going on with me. I told him I was pregnant. At least the home test said I was but I still had not seen a doctor. He urged me to see one, but I just couldn't. I couldn't get the time off from work.
I told him how Mountain guy suggested that we get married and have the baby and yada yada yada. I think he was sad for me as if I was giving up. But I don't want to marry Mountain guy. He is an ass. But there are not many other options for me. I just don't know what to do.
Over the past few weeks, Mountain guy had been coming to my apartment usually fluctuating between wanting me to "give it up" and going out to Taco Bell with friends. I never did know what he would want to do, but I never "gave it up" and I am growing tired of his stupid games. In fact, I just want him gone. I want him out of my life so that I can move on.
Well, my friend, the man with the glasses brought me home with a takeout bag of egg rolls and wanton soup and guess who was there? Mountain guy. We saw his truck when we drove up. Great. This is not what I wanted. The man with the glasses said he had to go and we said goodbye. I think he felt awkward with Mountain guy there...like I was cheating on him or something. Weird.
I said goodbye to my friend and went inside. Mountain guy was standing in my living room butt naked.
"Get your clothes off, let's have sex!" He said. I was pissed. I picked up his clothes and his truck keys and threw them out the door into the apartment hallway and told him to get out. I never wanted to see him again. He had to go out there naked. HA!
I don't ever want to see Mountain guy again and I hope my friend with the glasses isn't angry with me. I worry he thinks I actually want to marry this looser!
Thursday
It's a Boy.
Dear Diary- 4/4
I hate being sick every morning. I think I caught some kind of respiratory bug too because I just cannot breath and I keep coughing up nasty phlegm. I am so tired that it takes me over an hour just to realize that a new day has started, and then another to roll over and get up. If I get up, that's it, I'm puking, and I really don't want that either.
But I do it. I push on. I have to.
People at work still don't believe that I'm pregnant, even though I run to the bathroom and empty my stomach's contents first thing when I get there. If there was anything to empty. Constantly, I'm coughing into my sleeve or tissue while at the register. And no one...NO ONE...suggests that I stay home or go to the doctor. I know I must look like death warmed over, but I don't think they care. They really don't. As soon as I can, I'm getting a new job.
Today I was talking to the other girl that was pregnant during our slow time. We talked over our registers and joked around about stuff. It wasn't important, it was just small talk. Well, this lady walked to my register while we were talking and kind of jumped into our conversation. It was fun. But then she mentioned that she was psychic. The other girl rolled her eyes, but then when the weird lady told her she was having a girl, she didn't look so skeptical anymore.
She turned back around and asked if I knew I was pregnant. Of coarse I know, I said. She smiled, put her hand on my stomach that still wasn't showing, and said, "It's a boy." At that point, Krusty walked by and told us to stop screwing around and I said, :"Did you hear that? She said I'm pregnant with a boy. Now do you believe me?"
Krusty gave me a dirty look and pointed to my register as if I had hundreds of people lined up to check out. I turned around, there was no one.
I hate being sick every morning. I think I caught some kind of respiratory bug too because I just cannot breath and I keep coughing up nasty phlegm. I am so tired that it takes me over an hour just to realize that a new day has started, and then another to roll over and get up. If I get up, that's it, I'm puking, and I really don't want that either.
But I do it. I push on. I have to.
People at work still don't believe that I'm pregnant, even though I run to the bathroom and empty my stomach's contents first thing when I get there. If there was anything to empty. Constantly, I'm coughing into my sleeve or tissue while at the register. And no one...NO ONE...suggests that I stay home or go to the doctor. I know I must look like death warmed over, but I don't think they care. They really don't. As soon as I can, I'm getting a new job.
Today I was talking to the other girl that was pregnant during our slow time. We talked over our registers and joked around about stuff. It wasn't important, it was just small talk. Well, this lady walked to my register while we were talking and kind of jumped into our conversation. It was fun. But then she mentioned that she was psychic. The other girl rolled her eyes, but then when the weird lady told her she was having a girl, she didn't look so skeptical anymore.
She turned back around and asked if I knew I was pregnant. Of coarse I know, I said. She smiled, put her hand on my stomach that still wasn't showing, and said, "It's a boy." At that point, Krusty walked by and told us to stop screwing around and I said, :"Did you hear that? She said I'm pregnant with a boy. Now do you believe me?"
Krusty gave me a dirty look and pointed to my register as if I had hundreds of people lined up to check out. I turned around, there was no one.
Wednesday
What Are My Options?
Dear Diary - 4/28
It's just been the same routine over and over again and again. I go to work, come home, sleep. Not to mention, puke. haha. My evil bosses still have not let me off work so I can go to the doctors! Ugh!!
Mom is mad at me, I think she thinks that I'm sleeping around and that's how I ended up pregnant and she is upset because that's something that she never thought I would do. She doesn't believe me when I told her I was raped. I think she does not want to realize that things like that can happen to her daughters. She thinks I should move back in with her and my sister. I don't want to, but if that's my only option, I might consider it. The only problem is that she has met some guy over the internet and has "fallen in love" with him. She will be moving to New England soon. I am NOT going there.
Mountain guy came back and told me that I cannot raise a child on my own and that I should put the baby up for adoption. Or at the very least, his parents could take the baby to find a home for it, because they know that I will raise a drug addict being a single mother. Ha. My mother raised two of us in similar conditions and neither of us turned out to be drug addicts. I think they are just full of it.
Former acquaintances, and I say former because I don't want anything to do with them anymore, suggested I get an abortion. Even though I was raped, for some reason, I just can't do that. It's not a religious reason or anything, it's just... I just can't.
Then I think to myself that I can do this all by myself. But why does it have to be so difficult to do?
It's just been the same routine over and over again and again. I go to work, come home, sleep. Not to mention, puke. haha. My evil bosses still have not let me off work so I can go to the doctors! Ugh!!
Mom is mad at me, I think she thinks that I'm sleeping around and that's how I ended up pregnant and she is upset because that's something that she never thought I would do. She doesn't believe me when I told her I was raped. I think she does not want to realize that things like that can happen to her daughters. She thinks I should move back in with her and my sister. I don't want to, but if that's my only option, I might consider it. The only problem is that she has met some guy over the internet and has "fallen in love" with him. She will be moving to New England soon. I am NOT going there.
Mountain guy came back and told me that I cannot raise a child on my own and that I should put the baby up for adoption. Or at the very least, his parents could take the baby to find a home for it, because they know that I will raise a drug addict being a single mother. Ha. My mother raised two of us in similar conditions and neither of us turned out to be drug addicts. I think they are just full of it.
Former acquaintances, and I say former because I don't want anything to do with them anymore, suggested I get an abortion. Even though I was raped, for some reason, I just can't do that. It's not a religious reason or anything, it's just... I just can't.
Then I think to myself that I can do this all by myself. But why does it have to be so difficult to do?
Tuesday
What to do now?
Dear Diary - 5/12
I was hoping that by now I would be able to figure out what I am going to do with my life. It's getting more and more difficult to do anything now. No one at work believes that I'm pregnant, I'm still not showing, but I've taken several home tests - all positive. I REALLY REALLY need to get to a doctor.
I had been talking to this guy online that owns his own pizza shops and he's pretty nice. He has brought me pizza a few times and given me rides to and from work. He knows I'm pregnant and still he's nice to me. Somehow though, I think he wants more than just friendship. I can't handle that right now, so I made it clear to him that I was not interested in having a relationship with anyone right now. But still he's nice. Almost smothering.
I have not heard from my friend, the man with the glasses, in a long time. I think about him often and wonder how he's doing. I miss him.
My mom has moved to the east coast and my grandmother has offered to let me move in with her until I can get on my feet again - I just need to work for my room and board. I don't mind that. She has lots of yard work and things for me to do. And she wants to travel, so I can pet sit for her. That sounds like my best option yet.
Mountain guy is still pressuring me to move in with him and his parents. I don't want to do that. If I do, no telling what will happen and I don't want to be dependent on anyone.
Pizza guy is coming over in about an hour and we're going to go drive around for a little bit...just to get out of this nasty apartment. It's gross...nothing works. My dishwasher exploded bubbles all over the kitchen floor one day, so I stopped using it. I can't do my laundry in the laundry room because the slum lord refuses to give me a laundry door key, so I have to wash my close in the bath tub and hang them up to dry or put them in the oven. And then the other day, raw sewage backed up into my kitchen sink! It is beyond nasty!! I have to get out of here, but I don't know how...and I don't know where to go....
I was hoping that by now I would be able to figure out what I am going to do with my life. It's getting more and more difficult to do anything now. No one at work believes that I'm pregnant, I'm still not showing, but I've taken several home tests - all positive. I REALLY REALLY need to get to a doctor.
I had been talking to this guy online that owns his own pizza shops and he's pretty nice. He has brought me pizza a few times and given me rides to and from work. He knows I'm pregnant and still he's nice to me. Somehow though, I think he wants more than just friendship. I can't handle that right now, so I made it clear to him that I was not interested in having a relationship with anyone right now. But still he's nice. Almost smothering.
I have not heard from my friend, the man with the glasses, in a long time. I think about him often and wonder how he's doing. I miss him.
My mom has moved to the east coast and my grandmother has offered to let me move in with her until I can get on my feet again - I just need to work for my room and board. I don't mind that. She has lots of yard work and things for me to do. And she wants to travel, so I can pet sit for her. That sounds like my best option yet.
Mountain guy is still pressuring me to move in with him and his parents. I don't want to do that. If I do, no telling what will happen and I don't want to be dependent on anyone.
Pizza guy is coming over in about an hour and we're going to go drive around for a little bit...just to get out of this nasty apartment. It's gross...nothing works. My dishwasher exploded bubbles all over the kitchen floor one day, so I stopped using it. I can't do my laundry in the laundry room because the slum lord refuses to give me a laundry door key, so I have to wash my close in the bath tub and hang them up to dry or put them in the oven. And then the other day, raw sewage backed up into my kitchen sink! It is beyond nasty!! I have to get out of here, but I don't know how...and I don't know where to go....
Monday
Happy Birthday to Me.
Dear Diary - 5/24
Happy Birthday to me. It's my 21st birthday and I have the day off. Yay! But I have nothing to do and no one to celebrate with.
I had to get rid of Pizza guy...he was too smothering. I felt like throwing up and he kept touching me and trying to put his arms around me. I told him I needed to be alone while I puked, but he insisted. I know he was only trying to be helpful, but the smell of pizza was stuck to him and I couldn't handle it. I puked on his shoes.A day later, I told him I was getting married to Mountain guy just to get him to go away. Even speaking plainly, he would NOT get it. I do NOT want a relationship!
I guess he was heart broken and his sister called me to tell me what a rotten person I was to do that to him. Hello, I told him several times that I DID NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP!! She was a stupid bitch going on and on and on. I couldn't take it and told her to F off and hung up on her. I felt bad. Mainly because I know Pizza guy is nice, it's just I can't handle it right now and he needs to be with someone stronger than I am right now.
Some people say I'm strong, I don't think so. I have nightmares constantly. The kind that wake you up several times a night and have you dripping with sweat and shaking hard. I'm not getting the sleep I need. My body is changing and I am crying all the time. I'm a mess. I'm not strong.
If I can't think of any other options, I'm moving back home with my grandmother. Hmm, my phone is ringing...
Happy Birthday to me. It's my 21st birthday and I have the day off. Yay! But I have nothing to do and no one to celebrate with.
I had to get rid of Pizza guy...he was too smothering. I felt like throwing up and he kept touching me and trying to put his arms around me. I told him I needed to be alone while I puked, but he insisted. I know he was only trying to be helpful, but the smell of pizza was stuck to him and I couldn't handle it. I puked on his shoes.A day later, I told him I was getting married to Mountain guy just to get him to go away. Even speaking plainly, he would NOT get it. I do NOT want a relationship!
I guess he was heart broken and his sister called me to tell me what a rotten person I was to do that to him. Hello, I told him several times that I DID NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP!! She was a stupid bitch going on and on and on. I couldn't take it and told her to F off and hung up on her. I felt bad. Mainly because I know Pizza guy is nice, it's just I can't handle it right now and he needs to be with someone stronger than I am right now.
Some people say I'm strong, I don't think so. I have nightmares constantly. The kind that wake you up several times a night and have you dripping with sweat and shaking hard. I'm not getting the sleep I need. My body is changing and I am crying all the time. I'm a mess. I'm not strong.
If I can't think of any other options, I'm moving back home with my grandmother. Hmm, my phone is ringing...
Sunday
What a Turn of Events
Dear Diary - 5/25
OMG! What a crazy turn of events! My phone rang yesterday and it was my friend, the man in the glasses!! He wanted to see how I was doing and I told him that I was not doing well. I told him I was thinking of moving back home, but I really didn't want to go back there. I told him how rotten I felt and how everything was just going wrong. And I told him that it was my birthday.
Do you know what he did?? He said he would pick me up that evening and take me out for my birthday. Dress nice he said. So I did...as nice as I could considering the lack of formal wear I had. I did my hair and makeup but when I looked at myself in the mirror, I looked frail and sickly. I hope he didn't notice.
When he knocked on my door I was so excited to see him that I threw my arms around him and hugged him with all my might. I don't know what happened, but I felt this strange feeling.... safety...respect...a sense of belonging...love. I know that sounds really cheesy. I was so wrapped up in my strange feelings that I did not realize...my friend did not have on those hideous glasses anymore!He had laser eye surgery and could see without them. I hugged him again.
He handed me a large wrapped box - it was a crock pot and some crock pot cooking books. He said I could make an easy and filling meal and not spend a lot of time cooking. Seeing as how I had been living off the vending machine lately, I gladly accepted and smiled. He was so thoughtful!
Then we went to the restaurant. It was a 5 star hotel and restaurant where the meals started at $80 a plate!! I had NEVER been to a place like that before! It was so nice and quiet and...elegant. After our meal, my friend must have spoken to the waiter because they came out of the kitchens singing a beautiful melody of Happy Birthday to me - with a violin!! WOW!
Afterward, we walked around the grounds of the hotel. They had a small lake and island and bridge lit up with those garden path lights. It was nice and cool and...dare I say...romantic. He held my hand in his as we walked and I felt so safe. It was just us in our own little world and no one else mattered. Not Mountain guy and not his Raving Psycho Soon To Be Ex. Just us...
We walked to the island in the quiet of the night. This is the part that scared me happened next. He kissed me. OMG! My mind flooded with so many thoughts and emotions, I had no idea what to say. I was scared. I had so much on my plate and I didn't want to mess up his life anymore than it already was. I wanted to make it on my own, but suddenly I felt as if I couldn't do it anymore. I was at the end of my rope and I was about to give in. It frightened me because I wanted to be with him, but I did not know what was going to happen. I did not want a relationship after all. But maybe with the right person...
It was getting late and I cried the entire way home. I did not want the evening to end. I did not want to go back to that crappy apartment. I did not want to go to my crappy job. The thought of it alone made me fell...dead.
My friend, the man formally with glasses, offered again, the spare room in his condo and this time, I gladly accepted. That night, he took me back to his condo and I fell asleep on his bed. He said he would take the couch until I got my stuff. But then...he went back to my apartment and cleaned it out and brought all my things back to store in his garage.
I woke up this morning and I no longer lived in that crappy apartment. I no longer had to work that crappy job. He said - "You need time to think about what you are going to do. You can't do that when you're too busy thinking of how to work and survive in that apartment. Take as long as you need and I will help you with whatever decision you make."
I called my work and lied "I've got a doctor's appointment, I can't come in today." And I didn't. I'm never going back there again...except to pick up my last paycheck.
What happens next, I have no idea...
OMG! What a crazy turn of events! My phone rang yesterday and it was my friend, the man in the glasses!! He wanted to see how I was doing and I told him that I was not doing well. I told him I was thinking of moving back home, but I really didn't want to go back there. I told him how rotten I felt and how everything was just going wrong. And I told him that it was my birthday.
Do you know what he did?? He said he would pick me up that evening and take me out for my birthday. Dress nice he said. So I did...as nice as I could considering the lack of formal wear I had. I did my hair and makeup but when I looked at myself in the mirror, I looked frail and sickly. I hope he didn't notice.
When he knocked on my door I was so excited to see him that I threw my arms around him and hugged him with all my might. I don't know what happened, but I felt this strange feeling.... safety...respect...a sense of belonging...love. I know that sounds really cheesy. I was so wrapped up in my strange feelings that I did not realize...my friend did not have on those hideous glasses anymore!He had laser eye surgery and could see without them. I hugged him again.
He handed me a large wrapped box - it was a crock pot and some crock pot cooking books. He said I could make an easy and filling meal and not spend a lot of time cooking. Seeing as how I had been living off the vending machine lately, I gladly accepted and smiled. He was so thoughtful!
Then we went to the restaurant. It was a 5 star hotel and restaurant where the meals started at $80 a plate!! I had NEVER been to a place like that before! It was so nice and quiet and...elegant. After our meal, my friend must have spoken to the waiter because they came out of the kitchens singing a beautiful melody of Happy Birthday to me - with a violin!! WOW!
Afterward, we walked around the grounds of the hotel. They had a small lake and island and bridge lit up with those garden path lights. It was nice and cool and...dare I say...romantic. He held my hand in his as we walked and I felt so safe. It was just us in our own little world and no one else mattered. Not Mountain guy and not his Raving Psycho Soon To Be Ex. Just us...
We walked to the island in the quiet of the night. This is the part that scared me happened next. He kissed me. OMG! My mind flooded with so many thoughts and emotions, I had no idea what to say. I was scared. I had so much on my plate and I didn't want to mess up his life anymore than it already was. I wanted to make it on my own, but suddenly I felt as if I couldn't do it anymore. I was at the end of my rope and I was about to give in. It frightened me because I wanted to be with him, but I did not know what was going to happen. I did not want a relationship after all. But maybe with the right person...
It was getting late and I cried the entire way home. I did not want the evening to end. I did not want to go back to that crappy apartment. I did not want to go to my crappy job. The thought of it alone made me fell...dead.
My friend, the man formally with glasses, offered again, the spare room in his condo and this time, I gladly accepted. That night, he took me back to his condo and I fell asleep on his bed. He said he would take the couch until I got my stuff. But then...he went back to my apartment and cleaned it out and brought all my things back to store in his garage.
I woke up this morning and I no longer lived in that crappy apartment. I no longer had to work that crappy job. He said - "You need time to think about what you are going to do. You can't do that when you're too busy thinking of how to work and survive in that apartment. Take as long as you need and I will help you with whatever decision you make."
I called my work and lied "I've got a doctor's appointment, I can't come in today." And I didn't. I'm never going back there again...except to pick up my last paycheck.
What happens next, I have no idea...
Saturday
I can't...
Dear Diary - 5/26
Wow, it is so quiet and peaceful here. So much more than that crappy apartment. My friend, the man formally with glasses, went over to speak with the slum lord and to present a letter of complaint. They were pissed I think. I don't care, they were asses anyway. It was so unhealthy to live there.
All day long I have been thinking of the other night. As much as I wanted to stay held in his arms where it was safe, I have been battling with my emotions- I don't want a relationship right now. And he can't really have one right now because he's in the middle of divorcing a raving psycho soon to be ex. I think I will tell him that I only want to remain friends. I hope he doesn't take offense to that. I don't know where I'll go from here though. I can't stay here forever, I'll have to do something soon.
Tonight. I'll tell him tonight.
Wow, it is so quiet and peaceful here. So much more than that crappy apartment. My friend, the man formally with glasses, went over to speak with the slum lord and to present a letter of complaint. They were pissed I think. I don't care, they were asses anyway. It was so unhealthy to live there.
All day long I have been thinking of the other night. As much as I wanted to stay held in his arms where it was safe, I have been battling with my emotions- I don't want a relationship right now. And he can't really have one right now because he's in the middle of divorcing a raving psycho soon to be ex. I think I will tell him that I only want to remain friends. I hope he doesn't take offense to that. I don't know where I'll go from here though. I can't stay here forever, I'll have to do something soon.
Tonight. I'll tell him tonight.
Friday
What A Relief
Dear Diary - 5/28
I told my friend, the man formally with the glasses, that I did not want a relationship right now. I have too much on my plate. Do you know what he said? He said, "That's fine, I don't either to be honest. I would hate to drag you, and your baby, into the mess I'm dealing with. You can still have the spare bedroom and stay as long as you need to."
What a relief!
I mean, I like him, but life is just so messy right now. His is ugly because of his Raving Psycho Soon to be ex. I thought my life was bad.
Tomorrow, my friend has to leave. He has an interview in another state. I said I would watch his animals and condo while he was away. At least I could so something for him. He'll be gone for three days. I will go with him to the airport and drive his car back and pick him up again. It will save him a lot of money with kenneling. Like I said, at least I could help somehow.
I told my friend, the man formally with the glasses, that I did not want a relationship right now. I have too much on my plate. Do you know what he said? He said, "That's fine, I don't either to be honest. I would hate to drag you, and your baby, into the mess I'm dealing with. You can still have the spare bedroom and stay as long as you need to."
What a relief!
I mean, I like him, but life is just so messy right now. His is ugly because of his Raving Psycho Soon to be ex. I thought my life was bad.
Tomorrow, my friend has to leave. He has an interview in another state. I said I would watch his animals and condo while he was away. At least I could so something for him. He'll be gone for three days. I will go with him to the airport and drive his car back and pick him up again. It will save him a lot of money with kenneling. Like I said, at least I could help somehow.
Thursday
Mini Vacation
Dear Diary - 5/31
The last few days have been like a little mini vacation. My friend was away and I was taking care of the dogs. I watched some movies and went shopping, though I didn't have much money to shop with. I went out and bought my first maternity outfit. I think now that I'm actually eating real food - thanks to my friend, the man formally with glasses, my baby belly is finally starting to show a little bit. My regular pants are getting a little tight.
When I got back, the dogs and cat were pleased to see me and I took them outside to play ball. Then I fed them. The strangest thing happened next, the dogs burped. I had NEVER heard a dog burp. It was funny and I couldn't stop laughing. haha!
Tomorrow I will go to the airport and pick up my friend. I hope he had a nice trip.
The last few days have been like a little mini vacation. My friend was away and I was taking care of the dogs. I watched some movies and went shopping, though I didn't have much money to shop with. I went out and bought my first maternity outfit. I think now that I'm actually eating real food - thanks to my friend, the man formally with glasses, my baby belly is finally starting to show a little bit. My regular pants are getting a little tight.
When I got back, the dogs and cat were pleased to see me and I took them outside to play ball. Then I fed them. The strangest thing happened next, the dogs burped. I had NEVER heard a dog burp. It was funny and I couldn't stop laughing. haha!
Tomorrow I will go to the airport and pick up my friend. I hope he had a nice trip.
Wednesday
Food is Good but I Can't Eat
Dear Diary - 6/2
My friend and I were eating dinner on the back porch. He cooked chicken and rice and I tell you, it was the best chicken I had tasted in years! After living off the vending machine for a long time, it was a welcome meal.
But I couldn't eat.
I had too many things running through my head to enjoy the food and I was crying into my food as I pushed the rice across my plate. My friend was simply telling me the horrors of his divorce. It really sounds like his Raving Psycho Soon to be ex really was a Raving Psycho. She would do really stupid things just to hang on to him. He told me that his marriage had ended a long time ago when she tried to kill him. Sheesh! I thought I had it bad being raped. She sounds like a certified lunatic to me.
But I still couldn't eat.
My mind was wandering around...what was I going to do? He was looking at getting a transfer with his job because his Raving Psycho soon to be ex was causing trouble with them. If he moved away, where would I go? My mother offered a room at her apartment in the East, but I didn't want to go there. And I certainly couldn't live in a tiny apartment with her and her boyfriend and my sister with a baby on the way. No way. Moving back to my grandmother's was looking better, but now my grandfather was feeling sick. I would end up taking care of him. I wouldn't mind that, but I don't want to be trapped somewhere I really did not want to be.
My friend smiled and patted my hand and handed me some tea. He said that is why he offered the spare bedroom to me. I needed time to think.
And I do.
My friend and I were eating dinner on the back porch. He cooked chicken and rice and I tell you, it was the best chicken I had tasted in years! After living off the vending machine for a long time, it was a welcome meal.
But I couldn't eat.
I had too many things running through my head to enjoy the food and I was crying into my food as I pushed the rice across my plate. My friend was simply telling me the horrors of his divorce. It really sounds like his Raving Psycho Soon to be ex really was a Raving Psycho. She would do really stupid things just to hang on to him. He told me that his marriage had ended a long time ago when she tried to kill him. Sheesh! I thought I had it bad being raped. She sounds like a certified lunatic to me.
But I still couldn't eat.
My mind was wandering around...what was I going to do? He was looking at getting a transfer with his job because his Raving Psycho soon to be ex was causing trouble with them. If he moved away, where would I go? My mother offered a room at her apartment in the East, but I didn't want to go there. And I certainly couldn't live in a tiny apartment with her and her boyfriend and my sister with a baby on the way. No way. Moving back to my grandmother's was looking better, but now my grandfather was feeling sick. I would end up taking care of him. I wouldn't mind that, but I don't want to be trapped somewhere I really did not want to be.
My friend smiled and patted my hand and handed me some tea. He said that is why he offered the spare bedroom to me. I needed time to think.
And I do.
Tuesday
Oh Tthe Irony...
Dear Diary - 6/9
Life has been unsuspectingly pleasant these past few days I have moved into this little condo. It's a peaceful area that has really helped with my battles with my demons. I still do not know what I am going to do and my friend keeps telling me to take as much time as I need. There is no pressure to move out or anything, he says. You don't know how grateful I am to have this opportunity.
I went to my old job, in my new maternity outfit since I was showing now, and asked for my last paycheck. Everyone's jaws dropped when I walked in. "See, I told you I was pregnant!" Was all I could say...and I didn't even say it, I just gave everyone a dirty look. One of the managers came over to inform me that because I didn't show up, I was fired. I simply told her, no, didn't you get my letter of resignation? I stated that because of my health and pregnancy, I quit, and if she was going to argue about that, well, she really couldn't, it was now obvious by my belly, that I was pregnant.
One of the guys I used to work with, he was always really nice. Very quiet kind of guy and considerate, asked me for my phone number so he could call me and take me out sometime. I politely told him I was moving and that probably wasn't going to happen. I told him he was a nice guy and he would find someone.
Here I am, messed up myself, telling someone else that things would work out. How ironic. ha.
When I got back from my little adventure, my friend, the man in the glasses, suggested that we go shopping for some maternity clothes. Since I only had the one outfit, and it was quickly getting too small, I smiled and agreed. I suggested a thrift store since I didn't have much money. Tomorrow we will shop.
Life has been unsuspectingly pleasant these past few days I have moved into this little condo. It's a peaceful area that has really helped with my battles with my demons. I still do not know what I am going to do and my friend keeps telling me to take as much time as I need. There is no pressure to move out or anything, he says. You don't know how grateful I am to have this opportunity.
I went to my old job, in my new maternity outfit since I was showing now, and asked for my last paycheck. Everyone's jaws dropped when I walked in. "See, I told you I was pregnant!" Was all I could say...and I didn't even say it, I just gave everyone a dirty look. One of the managers came over to inform me that because I didn't show up, I was fired. I simply told her, no, didn't you get my letter of resignation? I stated that because of my health and pregnancy, I quit, and if she was going to argue about that, well, she really couldn't, it was now obvious by my belly, that I was pregnant.
One of the guys I used to work with, he was always really nice. Very quiet kind of guy and considerate, asked me for my phone number so he could call me and take me out sometime. I politely told him I was moving and that probably wasn't going to happen. I told him he was a nice guy and he would find someone.
Here I am, messed up myself, telling someone else that things would work out. How ironic. ha.
When I got back from my little adventure, my friend, the man in the glasses, suggested that we go shopping for some maternity clothes. Since I only had the one outfit, and it was quickly getting too small, I smiled and agreed. I suggested a thrift store since I didn't have much money. Tomorrow we will shop.
Monday
At peace?
Dear Diary - 6/15
My friend, the man formally with the glasses, is going on another job interview. I'm here, alone watching his dogs and cat. This time, he took the cat to get declawed and I had to pick her up from the vet. She looked so funny with her front paws wrapped up in bright green bandages, but I felt sorry for her all the same. I rescued her from the vet and brought her home where she had an interesting time trying to walk up the stairs. I couldn't help but laugh a little. I think she'll be okay after she heals. I took the dogs to the little park that is around the corner and toss their ball for them. They seem to like chasing it at home. It was fun, and the sunshine felt great. But more importantly, it is so peaceful! There are no worries here. There is no nastiness popping up from the kitchen sink. I can do my laundry in a machine, not the tub. I just feel...
at peace.
I was sorting through the clothes I picked out at the thrift store. My friend helped me pick some very nice dresses. I walked out with three HUGE bags of clothes for less than $40. That would help get me started. My friend gave me a little bit of money and told me to find more if I needed to, otherwise, use the money to pay any bills I might have, or just save it. I found a few more tops and some pants at Walmart as well. I just can't see paying a lot of money for maternity clothes when you only wear them a short time. My friend's t-shirts would do fine. ha!
The only thing that is breaking my peace here are the nightmares. I still have them. My friend says several times a night even. He will hear me screaming or crying and he will come into the room and find me shaking. He held me and rocked me and we talked and finally I drifted back to sleep. I don't know why, but it feels good to talk about it. It is therapeutic I think. After locking away the feelings and nightmares for so long, I think I was finally ready to acknowledge them.
But I could not do it without my friend, the man formally with the glasses.
My friend, the man formally with the glasses, is going on another job interview. I'm here, alone watching his dogs and cat. This time, he took the cat to get declawed and I had to pick her up from the vet. She looked so funny with her front paws wrapped up in bright green bandages, but I felt sorry for her all the same. I rescued her from the vet and brought her home where she had an interesting time trying to walk up the stairs. I couldn't help but laugh a little. I think she'll be okay after she heals. I took the dogs to the little park that is around the corner and toss their ball for them. They seem to like chasing it at home. It was fun, and the sunshine felt great. But more importantly, it is so peaceful! There are no worries here. There is no nastiness popping up from the kitchen sink. I can do my laundry in a machine, not the tub. I just feel...
at peace.
I was sorting through the clothes I picked out at the thrift store. My friend helped me pick some very nice dresses. I walked out with three HUGE bags of clothes for less than $40. That would help get me started. My friend gave me a little bit of money and told me to find more if I needed to, otherwise, use the money to pay any bills I might have, or just save it. I found a few more tops and some pants at Walmart as well. I just can't see paying a lot of money for maternity clothes when you only wear them a short time. My friend's t-shirts would do fine. ha!
The only thing that is breaking my peace here are the nightmares. I still have them. My friend says several times a night even. He will hear me screaming or crying and he will come into the room and find me shaking. He held me and rocked me and we talked and finally I drifted back to sleep. I don't know why, but it feels good to talk about it. It is therapeutic I think. After locking away the feelings and nightmares for so long, I think I was finally ready to acknowledge them.
But I could not do it without my friend, the man formally with the glasses.
Sunday
Finally I See a DR!
Dear Diary - 6/18
I finally got an appointment to see a doctor! FINALLY! I am 6 months pregnant and I haven't been to the doctor yet. Sheesh. The DR says everything looks good, nothing to worry about, but I should be taking prenatal vitamins and some iron supplements. We picked some of those up on the way home from the appointment and then my friend, the man formally with the glasses, an I decided to go see a movie.
The theater was packed, but we found one of those couple's love seat things and sat there. Shhh, don't tell anyone, but we sneaked some burgers into the theater! They were good. :D I am loving french fries right now. Lots and lots of french fries. The saltier they are, the better. I've heard of women craving strange things, but all I crave are fries.
My friend goes on another interview soon. So soon, he just got back.
I finally got an appointment to see a doctor! FINALLY! I am 6 months pregnant and I haven't been to the doctor yet. Sheesh. The DR says everything looks good, nothing to worry about, but I should be taking prenatal vitamins and some iron supplements. We picked some of those up on the way home from the appointment and then my friend, the man formally with the glasses, an I decided to go see a movie.
The theater was packed, but we found one of those couple's love seat things and sat there. Shhh, don't tell anyone, but we sneaked some burgers into the theater! They were good. :D I am loving french fries right now. Lots and lots of french fries. The saltier they are, the better. I've heard of women craving strange things, but all I crave are fries.
My friend goes on another interview soon. So soon, he just got back.
Saturday
It MOVED!
Dear Diary - 6/25
I was talking on the phone with my friend, the man formally with the glasses, and suddenly I felt this very weird sensation in my stomach. A flutter? I wasn't sure... that's all that I could describe it. But it startled me and I dropped the phone and my hand went to my stomach. Then I felt it.
The baby moved!
I could feel it moving in my belly. This tiny little being was alive. There is no way to describe that feeling.
I could not speak for several minutes and finally I realized that I had dropped the phone. I picked it up and listened to the frantic "Are you okay?" on the other end. I was fine, I told him. I just felt the baby move.
So it wasn't just this alien object making my belly stretch after all. It was a baby!
I was talking on the phone with my friend, the man formally with the glasses, and suddenly I felt this very weird sensation in my stomach. A flutter? I wasn't sure... that's all that I could describe it. But it startled me and I dropped the phone and my hand went to my stomach. Then I felt it.
The baby moved!
I could feel it moving in my belly. This tiny little being was alive. There is no way to describe that feeling.
I could not speak for several minutes and finally I realized that I had dropped the phone. I picked it up and listened to the frantic "Are you okay?" on the other end. I was fine, I told him. I just felt the baby move.
So it wasn't just this alien object making my belly stretch after all. It was a baby!
Should I Go or Should I Stay?
Dear Diary - 6/28
My friend, the man formally with the glasses, returned from his interview. He will be transferring. That means that he will be moving. I guess this is great news for him since he can move away from his Psycho Raving Soon to be Ex. But I don't know what I will do. I don't have any money, so I can't find a new apartment or move back home. My mother already moved to the east coast, and I doubt she will drive all the way back this way to take me home.
*sigh*
What do I do?
My friend and I will talk about it tonight at dinner. We're going to a sushi place with his friends.
My friend, the man formally with the glasses, returned from his interview. He will be transferring. That means that he will be moving. I guess this is great news for him since he can move away from his Psycho Raving Soon to be Ex. But I don't know what I will do. I don't have any money, so I can't find a new apartment or move back home. My mother already moved to the east coast, and I doubt she will drive all the way back this way to take me home.
*sigh*
What do I do?
My friend and I will talk about it tonight at dinner. We're going to a sushi place with his friends.
Friday
Choices...
Dear Diary - 6/30
My friend and I talked and talked and talked. We must have talked for hours into the night. We talked about what I was going to do.
My friend offered to take me back home.
My friend offered to help get me set up somewhere here.
My friend offered to take me to my mother in the east.
And my friend offered a room at whatever new place he would have with his new job.
These past couple of days I have still felt overwhelmed and unsure of what I was going to do. It was nice to relax and not have to worry about working these past few weeks, but now that my friend was moving, I have a choice to make.
I don't want to go home.
I don't want to stay here. Not alone anyway.
I don't want to go back east.
My friend's latest offer, it opened a new opportunity for me. I could go somewhere new and start over. I think that is what I will do. The movers will be here in a week, so I have seven days to decide if that's really what I want....
My friend and I talked and talked and talked. We must have talked for hours into the night. We talked about what I was going to do.
My friend offered to take me back home.
My friend offered to help get me set up somewhere here.
My friend offered to take me to my mother in the east.
And my friend offered a room at whatever new place he would have with his new job.
These past couple of days I have still felt overwhelmed and unsure of what I was going to do. It was nice to relax and not have to worry about working these past few weeks, but now that my friend was moving, I have a choice to make.
I don't want to go home.
I don't want to stay here. Not alone anyway.
I don't want to go back east.
My friend's latest offer, it opened a new opportunity for me. I could go somewhere new and start over. I think that is what I will do. The movers will be here in a week, so I have seven days to decide if that's really what I want....
Thursday
Happy 4th!
Dear Diary - 7/4
Happy Fourth of July.
This will be the last 4th I see here. I decided that I will be moving half way across the country with my friend, the man formally with the glasses. His company has secured a two bedroom/2 bathroom apartment 15 minutes from where his new office will be. They are paying for the movers, who will be here tomorrow. We will drive there with a little uhaul of things we need right off and the animals. We will be leaving in three days.
Tonight though, we are heading up to a large park about 45 minutes north of here for the big fireworks show. We're taking a blanket and food for a picnic, the dogs, and of coarse, their soccer ball. It will be fun.
Happy Fourth of July.
This will be the last 4th I see here. I decided that I will be moving half way across the country with my friend, the man formally with the glasses. His company has secured a two bedroom/2 bathroom apartment 15 minutes from where his new office will be. They are paying for the movers, who will be here tomorrow. We will drive there with a little uhaul of things we need right off and the animals. We will be leaving in three days.
Tonight though, we are heading up to a large park about 45 minutes north of here for the big fireworks show. We're taking a blanket and food for a picnic, the dogs, and of coarse, their soccer ball. It will be fun.
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