The Routine

Dear Diary- 3/12

I think I'm going to just throw myself off a cliff. Save myself from all this torture and misery.  Every morning I wake up, puke, shower, puke, walk to bus stop, puke, get to work, puke, stand at the cashier all day hoping to not puke.  I do not feel like eating anything. Everything stinks.  I feel like crying at the most stupid things.  I want to be left alone, but not, because if I'm alone, the nightmares scare me.


Mountain guy showed up at my apartment.  Great.  He went on to tell me how sorry he was and that he would never do such things again and that he thought he...get this...he thought he was falling for me.  Right.  You just show up and tell me you love me?  I doubt it very much.  But the way he said those things, and maybe it is because I'm so emotionally unstable right now, I wanted to hear it and accept it.

I told him I was pregnant, but he already knew from a mutual acquaintance. 

He smiled and said, "That's great!  My mom and dad can help us out..." blah blah blah blah. I tuned him out because suddenly I had an urge to barf all over him.  "Yeah, so maybe we can get married or something."

WHAT???  Did I just hear him correctly?  What the hell was this guy talking about marriage for? I didn't want to marry him.  Then I thought about it... his parents were "good church going people" and they had probably convinced him to talk me into being their next little project.

I told him I'd think about it, but I was really kind of busy with work.  He ended up sleeping in my apartment, but not near me.  I kept the door to my room closed and locked.