Dear Diary - 5/26
Wow, it is so quiet and peaceful here. So much more than that crappy apartment. My friend, the man formally with glasses, went over to speak with the slum lord and to present a letter of complaint. They were pissed I think. I don't care, they were asses anyway. It was so unhealthy to live there.
All day long I have been thinking of the other night. As much as I wanted to stay held in his arms where it was safe, I have been battling with my emotions- I don't want a relationship right now. And he can't really have one right now because he's in the middle of divorcing a raving psycho soon to be ex. I think I will tell him that I only want to remain friends. I hope he doesn't take offense to that. I don't know where I'll go from here though. I can't stay here forever, I'll have to do something soon.
Tonight. I'll tell him tonight.
Saturday
Friday
What A Relief
Dear Diary - 5/28
I told my friend, the man formally with the glasses, that I did not want a relationship right now. I have too much on my plate. Do you know what he said? He said, "That's fine, I don't either to be honest. I would hate to drag you, and your baby, into the mess I'm dealing with. You can still have the spare bedroom and stay as long as you need to."
What a relief!
I mean, I like him, but life is just so messy right now. His is ugly because of his Raving Psycho Soon to be ex. I thought my life was bad.
Tomorrow, my friend has to leave. He has an interview in another state. I said I would watch his animals and condo while he was away. At least I could so something for him. He'll be gone for three days. I will go with him to the airport and drive his car back and pick him up again. It will save him a lot of money with kenneling. Like I said, at least I could help somehow.
I told my friend, the man formally with the glasses, that I did not want a relationship right now. I have too much on my plate. Do you know what he said? He said, "That's fine, I don't either to be honest. I would hate to drag you, and your baby, into the mess I'm dealing with. You can still have the spare bedroom and stay as long as you need to."
What a relief!
I mean, I like him, but life is just so messy right now. His is ugly because of his Raving Psycho Soon to be ex. I thought my life was bad.
Tomorrow, my friend has to leave. He has an interview in another state. I said I would watch his animals and condo while he was away. At least I could so something for him. He'll be gone for three days. I will go with him to the airport and drive his car back and pick him up again. It will save him a lot of money with kenneling. Like I said, at least I could help somehow.
Thursday
Mini Vacation
Dear Diary - 5/31
The last few days have been like a little mini vacation. My friend was away and I was taking care of the dogs. I watched some movies and went shopping, though I didn't have much money to shop with. I went out and bought my first maternity outfit. I think now that I'm actually eating real food - thanks to my friend, the man formally with glasses, my baby belly is finally starting to show a little bit. My regular pants are getting a little tight.
When I got back, the dogs and cat were pleased to see me and I took them outside to play ball. Then I fed them. The strangest thing happened next, the dogs burped. I had NEVER heard a dog burp. It was funny and I couldn't stop laughing. haha!
Tomorrow I will go to the airport and pick up my friend. I hope he had a nice trip.
The last few days have been like a little mini vacation. My friend was away and I was taking care of the dogs. I watched some movies and went shopping, though I didn't have much money to shop with. I went out and bought my first maternity outfit. I think now that I'm actually eating real food - thanks to my friend, the man formally with glasses, my baby belly is finally starting to show a little bit. My regular pants are getting a little tight.
When I got back, the dogs and cat were pleased to see me and I took them outside to play ball. Then I fed them. The strangest thing happened next, the dogs burped. I had NEVER heard a dog burp. It was funny and I couldn't stop laughing. haha!
Tomorrow I will go to the airport and pick up my friend. I hope he had a nice trip.
Wednesday
Food is Good but I Can't Eat
Dear Diary - 6/2
My friend and I were eating dinner on the back porch. He cooked chicken and rice and I tell you, it was the best chicken I had tasted in years! After living off the vending machine for a long time, it was a welcome meal.
But I couldn't eat.
I had too many things running through my head to enjoy the food and I was crying into my food as I pushed the rice across my plate. My friend was simply telling me the horrors of his divorce. It really sounds like his Raving Psycho Soon to be ex really was a Raving Psycho. She would do really stupid things just to hang on to him. He told me that his marriage had ended a long time ago when she tried to kill him. Sheesh! I thought I had it bad being raped. She sounds like a certified lunatic to me.
But I still couldn't eat.
My mind was wandering around...what was I going to do? He was looking at getting a transfer with his job because his Raving Psycho soon to be ex was causing trouble with them. If he moved away, where would I go? My mother offered a room at her apartment in the East, but I didn't want to go there. And I certainly couldn't live in a tiny apartment with her and her boyfriend and my sister with a baby on the way. No way. Moving back to my grandmother's was looking better, but now my grandfather was feeling sick. I would end up taking care of him. I wouldn't mind that, but I don't want to be trapped somewhere I really did not want to be.
My friend smiled and patted my hand and handed me some tea. He said that is why he offered the spare bedroom to me. I needed time to think.
And I do.
My friend and I were eating dinner on the back porch. He cooked chicken and rice and I tell you, it was the best chicken I had tasted in years! After living off the vending machine for a long time, it was a welcome meal.
But I couldn't eat.
I had too many things running through my head to enjoy the food and I was crying into my food as I pushed the rice across my plate. My friend was simply telling me the horrors of his divorce. It really sounds like his Raving Psycho Soon to be ex really was a Raving Psycho. She would do really stupid things just to hang on to him. He told me that his marriage had ended a long time ago when she tried to kill him. Sheesh! I thought I had it bad being raped. She sounds like a certified lunatic to me.
But I still couldn't eat.
My mind was wandering around...what was I going to do? He was looking at getting a transfer with his job because his Raving Psycho soon to be ex was causing trouble with them. If he moved away, where would I go? My mother offered a room at her apartment in the East, but I didn't want to go there. And I certainly couldn't live in a tiny apartment with her and her boyfriend and my sister with a baby on the way. No way. Moving back to my grandmother's was looking better, but now my grandfather was feeling sick. I would end up taking care of him. I wouldn't mind that, but I don't want to be trapped somewhere I really did not want to be.
My friend smiled and patted my hand and handed me some tea. He said that is why he offered the spare bedroom to me. I needed time to think.
And I do.
Tuesday
Oh Tthe Irony...
Dear Diary - 6/9
Life has been unsuspectingly pleasant these past few days I have moved into this little condo. It's a peaceful area that has really helped with my battles with my demons. I still do not know what I am going to do and my friend keeps telling me to take as much time as I need. There is no pressure to move out or anything, he says. You don't know how grateful I am to have this opportunity.
I went to my old job, in my new maternity outfit since I was showing now, and asked for my last paycheck. Everyone's jaws dropped when I walked in. "See, I told you I was pregnant!" Was all I could say...and I didn't even say it, I just gave everyone a dirty look. One of the managers came over to inform me that because I didn't show up, I was fired. I simply told her, no, didn't you get my letter of resignation? I stated that because of my health and pregnancy, I quit, and if she was going to argue about that, well, she really couldn't, it was now obvious by my belly, that I was pregnant.
One of the guys I used to work with, he was always really nice. Very quiet kind of guy and considerate, asked me for my phone number so he could call me and take me out sometime. I politely told him I was moving and that probably wasn't going to happen. I told him he was a nice guy and he would find someone.
Here I am, messed up myself, telling someone else that things would work out. How ironic. ha.
When I got back from my little adventure, my friend, the man in the glasses, suggested that we go shopping for some maternity clothes. Since I only had the one outfit, and it was quickly getting too small, I smiled and agreed. I suggested a thrift store since I didn't have much money. Tomorrow we will shop.
Life has been unsuspectingly pleasant these past few days I have moved into this little condo. It's a peaceful area that has really helped with my battles with my demons. I still do not know what I am going to do and my friend keeps telling me to take as much time as I need. There is no pressure to move out or anything, he says. You don't know how grateful I am to have this opportunity.
I went to my old job, in my new maternity outfit since I was showing now, and asked for my last paycheck. Everyone's jaws dropped when I walked in. "See, I told you I was pregnant!" Was all I could say...and I didn't even say it, I just gave everyone a dirty look. One of the managers came over to inform me that because I didn't show up, I was fired. I simply told her, no, didn't you get my letter of resignation? I stated that because of my health and pregnancy, I quit, and if she was going to argue about that, well, she really couldn't, it was now obvious by my belly, that I was pregnant.
One of the guys I used to work with, he was always really nice. Very quiet kind of guy and considerate, asked me for my phone number so he could call me and take me out sometime. I politely told him I was moving and that probably wasn't going to happen. I told him he was a nice guy and he would find someone.
Here I am, messed up myself, telling someone else that things would work out. How ironic. ha.
When I got back from my little adventure, my friend, the man in the glasses, suggested that we go shopping for some maternity clothes. Since I only had the one outfit, and it was quickly getting too small, I smiled and agreed. I suggested a thrift store since I didn't have much money. Tomorrow we will shop.
Monday
At peace?
Dear Diary - 6/15
My friend, the man formally with the glasses, is going on another job interview. I'm here, alone watching his dogs and cat. This time, he took the cat to get declawed and I had to pick her up from the vet. She looked so funny with her front paws wrapped up in bright green bandages, but I felt sorry for her all the same. I rescued her from the vet and brought her home where she had an interesting time trying to walk up the stairs. I couldn't help but laugh a little. I think she'll be okay after she heals. I took the dogs to the little park that is around the corner and toss their ball for them. They seem to like chasing it at home. It was fun, and the sunshine felt great. But more importantly, it is so peaceful! There are no worries here. There is no nastiness popping up from the kitchen sink. I can do my laundry in a machine, not the tub. I just feel...
at peace.
I was sorting through the clothes I picked out at the thrift store. My friend helped me pick some very nice dresses. I walked out with three HUGE bags of clothes for less than $40. That would help get me started. My friend gave me a little bit of money and told me to find more if I needed to, otherwise, use the money to pay any bills I might have, or just save it. I found a few more tops and some pants at Walmart as well. I just can't see paying a lot of money for maternity clothes when you only wear them a short time. My friend's t-shirts would do fine. ha!
The only thing that is breaking my peace here are the nightmares. I still have them. My friend says several times a night even. He will hear me screaming or crying and he will come into the room and find me shaking. He held me and rocked me and we talked and finally I drifted back to sleep. I don't know why, but it feels good to talk about it. It is therapeutic I think. After locking away the feelings and nightmares for so long, I think I was finally ready to acknowledge them.
But I could not do it without my friend, the man formally with the glasses.
My friend, the man formally with the glasses, is going on another job interview. I'm here, alone watching his dogs and cat. This time, he took the cat to get declawed and I had to pick her up from the vet. She looked so funny with her front paws wrapped up in bright green bandages, but I felt sorry for her all the same. I rescued her from the vet and brought her home where she had an interesting time trying to walk up the stairs. I couldn't help but laugh a little. I think she'll be okay after she heals. I took the dogs to the little park that is around the corner and toss their ball for them. They seem to like chasing it at home. It was fun, and the sunshine felt great. But more importantly, it is so peaceful! There are no worries here. There is no nastiness popping up from the kitchen sink. I can do my laundry in a machine, not the tub. I just feel...
at peace.
I was sorting through the clothes I picked out at the thrift store. My friend helped me pick some very nice dresses. I walked out with three HUGE bags of clothes for less than $40. That would help get me started. My friend gave me a little bit of money and told me to find more if I needed to, otherwise, use the money to pay any bills I might have, or just save it. I found a few more tops and some pants at Walmart as well. I just can't see paying a lot of money for maternity clothes when you only wear them a short time. My friend's t-shirts would do fine. ha!
The only thing that is breaking my peace here are the nightmares. I still have them. My friend says several times a night even. He will hear me screaming or crying and he will come into the room and find me shaking. He held me and rocked me and we talked and finally I drifted back to sleep. I don't know why, but it feels good to talk about it. It is therapeutic I think. After locking away the feelings and nightmares for so long, I think I was finally ready to acknowledge them.
But I could not do it without my friend, the man formally with the glasses.
Sunday
Finally I See a DR!
Dear Diary - 6/18
I finally got an appointment to see a doctor! FINALLY! I am 6 months pregnant and I haven't been to the doctor yet. Sheesh. The DR says everything looks good, nothing to worry about, but I should be taking prenatal vitamins and some iron supplements. We picked some of those up on the way home from the appointment and then my friend, the man formally with the glasses, an I decided to go see a movie.
The theater was packed, but we found one of those couple's love seat things and sat there. Shhh, don't tell anyone, but we sneaked some burgers into the theater! They were good. :D I am loving french fries right now. Lots and lots of french fries. The saltier they are, the better. I've heard of women craving strange things, but all I crave are fries.
My friend goes on another interview soon. So soon, he just got back.
I finally got an appointment to see a doctor! FINALLY! I am 6 months pregnant and I haven't been to the doctor yet. Sheesh. The DR says everything looks good, nothing to worry about, but I should be taking prenatal vitamins and some iron supplements. We picked some of those up on the way home from the appointment and then my friend, the man formally with the glasses, an I decided to go see a movie.
The theater was packed, but we found one of those couple's love seat things and sat there. Shhh, don't tell anyone, but we sneaked some burgers into the theater! They were good. :D I am loving french fries right now. Lots and lots of french fries. The saltier they are, the better. I've heard of women craving strange things, but all I crave are fries.
My friend goes on another interview soon. So soon, he just got back.
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