Dear Diary- 3-1
My job sucks. I've been working the cash register and that's really okay with me except that I can not sit down. My back is KILLING me! I have three bosses now. We call them Krusty, Musty, and Dusty. They are all old disgusting women. Krusty is only 40, but she looks like she's 70. She wears too much makeup and smokes like a chimney. We call her Krusty because her skin and makeup crack, even when she doesn't make a face.
Musty isn't too bad. She can be nice, but she's also a pushover and she can't stand up against Krusty and Dusty. She smells...weird. Like cat pee and cigarette smoke.
Then there is Dusty. She is like 80 years old. Well, I don't really know her real age, but she is old. She runs the books. When the day is over, we have to go to her office and count our till. All day long she sits in her office with an oxygen tank and mask. I guess she has some kind of medical problem, but she must not care too much because if she's not in the office, she's outside smoking a cigarette. Which she is doing WITH the oxygen tank. Ummm, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that... dangerous??
Anyway, Krusty, Musty, and Dusty don't believe me when I tell them I am pregnant. It doesn't matter if I was or wasn't, they squatted by the side of the road and had their children and proceeded to work the fields, so why can't I? Whatever.
Another cashier is pregnant and they believe her. Maybe its because I'm not showing yet. Or maybe it's because I still haven't had the chance to see a doctor.
I still haven't heard from Mountain guy. Good riddance.
Saturday
The Routine
Dear Diary- 3/12
I think I'm going to just throw myself off a cliff. Save myself from all this torture and misery. Every morning I wake up, puke, shower, puke, walk to bus stop, puke, get to work, puke, stand at the cashier all day hoping to not puke. I do not feel like eating anything. Everything stinks. I feel like crying at the most stupid things. I want to be left alone, but not, because if I'm alone, the nightmares scare me.
Mountain guy showed up at my apartment. Great. He went on to tell me how sorry he was and that he would never do such things again and that he thought he...get this...he thought he was falling for me. Right. You just show up and tell me you love me? I doubt it very much. But the way he said those things, and maybe it is because I'm so emotionally unstable right now, I wanted to hear it and accept it.
I told him I was pregnant, but he already knew from a mutual acquaintance.
He smiled and said, "That's great! My mom and dad can help us out..." blah blah blah blah. I tuned him out because suddenly I had an urge to barf all over him. "Yeah, so maybe we can get married or something."
WHAT??? Did I just hear him correctly? What the hell was this guy talking about marriage for? I didn't want to marry him. Then I thought about it... his parents were "good church going people" and they had probably convinced him to talk me into being their next little project.
I told him I'd think about it, but I was really kind of busy with work. He ended up sleeping in my apartment, but not near me. I kept the door to my room closed and locked.
I think I'm going to just throw myself off a cliff. Save myself from all this torture and misery. Every morning I wake up, puke, shower, puke, walk to bus stop, puke, get to work, puke, stand at the cashier all day hoping to not puke. I do not feel like eating anything. Everything stinks. I feel like crying at the most stupid things. I want to be left alone, but not, because if I'm alone, the nightmares scare me.
Mountain guy showed up at my apartment. Great. He went on to tell me how sorry he was and that he would never do such things again and that he thought he...get this...he thought he was falling for me. Right. You just show up and tell me you love me? I doubt it very much. But the way he said those things, and maybe it is because I'm so emotionally unstable right now, I wanted to hear it and accept it.
I told him I was pregnant, but he already knew from a mutual acquaintance.
He smiled and said, "That's great! My mom and dad can help us out..." blah blah blah blah. I tuned him out because suddenly I had an urge to barf all over him. "Yeah, so maybe we can get married or something."
WHAT??? Did I just hear him correctly? What the hell was this guy talking about marriage for? I didn't want to marry him. Then I thought about it... his parents were "good church going people" and they had probably convinced him to talk me into being their next little project.
I told him I'd think about it, but I was really kind of busy with work. He ended up sleeping in my apartment, but not near me. I kept the door to my room closed and locked.
Friday
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
Dear Diary- 3/12
Tonight I saw my friend, the man with the glasses. He had a free moment and I needed a ride home from work. He picked me up and took me to this really great Chinese place and I got some wanton soup. It was really good and it felt good to fill my tummy. I haven't eaten much of anything since morning sickness started.
We talked for a while and I caught him up on what was going on with me. I told him I was pregnant. At least the home test said I was but I still had not seen a doctor. He urged me to see one, but I just couldn't. I couldn't get the time off from work.
I told him how Mountain guy suggested that we get married and have the baby and yada yada yada. I think he was sad for me as if I was giving up. But I don't want to marry Mountain guy. He is an ass. But there are not many other options for me. I just don't know what to do.
Over the past few weeks, Mountain guy had been coming to my apartment usually fluctuating between wanting me to "give it up" and going out to Taco Bell with friends. I never did know what he would want to do, but I never "gave it up" and I am growing tired of his stupid games. In fact, I just want him gone. I want him out of my life so that I can move on.
Well, my friend, the man with the glasses brought me home with a takeout bag of egg rolls and wanton soup and guess who was there? Mountain guy. We saw his truck when we drove up. Great. This is not what I wanted. The man with the glasses said he had to go and we said goodbye. I think he felt awkward with Mountain guy there...like I was cheating on him or something. Weird.
I said goodbye to my friend and went inside. Mountain guy was standing in my living room butt naked.
"Get your clothes off, let's have sex!" He said. I was pissed. I picked up his clothes and his truck keys and threw them out the door into the apartment hallway and told him to get out. I never wanted to see him again. He had to go out there naked. HA!
I don't ever want to see Mountain guy again and I hope my friend with the glasses isn't angry with me. I worry he thinks I actually want to marry this looser!
Tonight I saw my friend, the man with the glasses. He had a free moment and I needed a ride home from work. He picked me up and took me to this really great Chinese place and I got some wanton soup. It was really good and it felt good to fill my tummy. I haven't eaten much of anything since morning sickness started.
We talked for a while and I caught him up on what was going on with me. I told him I was pregnant. At least the home test said I was but I still had not seen a doctor. He urged me to see one, but I just couldn't. I couldn't get the time off from work.
I told him how Mountain guy suggested that we get married and have the baby and yada yada yada. I think he was sad for me as if I was giving up. But I don't want to marry Mountain guy. He is an ass. But there are not many other options for me. I just don't know what to do.
Over the past few weeks, Mountain guy had been coming to my apartment usually fluctuating between wanting me to "give it up" and going out to Taco Bell with friends. I never did know what he would want to do, but I never "gave it up" and I am growing tired of his stupid games. In fact, I just want him gone. I want him out of my life so that I can move on.
Well, my friend, the man with the glasses brought me home with a takeout bag of egg rolls and wanton soup and guess who was there? Mountain guy. We saw his truck when we drove up. Great. This is not what I wanted. The man with the glasses said he had to go and we said goodbye. I think he felt awkward with Mountain guy there...like I was cheating on him or something. Weird.
I said goodbye to my friend and went inside. Mountain guy was standing in my living room butt naked.
"Get your clothes off, let's have sex!" He said. I was pissed. I picked up his clothes and his truck keys and threw them out the door into the apartment hallway and told him to get out. I never wanted to see him again. He had to go out there naked. HA!
I don't ever want to see Mountain guy again and I hope my friend with the glasses isn't angry with me. I worry he thinks I actually want to marry this looser!
Thursday
It's a Boy.
Dear Diary- 4/4
I hate being sick every morning. I think I caught some kind of respiratory bug too because I just cannot breath and I keep coughing up nasty phlegm. I am so tired that it takes me over an hour just to realize that a new day has started, and then another to roll over and get up. If I get up, that's it, I'm puking, and I really don't want that either.
But I do it. I push on. I have to.
People at work still don't believe that I'm pregnant, even though I run to the bathroom and empty my stomach's contents first thing when I get there. If there was anything to empty. Constantly, I'm coughing into my sleeve or tissue while at the register. And no one...NO ONE...suggests that I stay home or go to the doctor. I know I must look like death warmed over, but I don't think they care. They really don't. As soon as I can, I'm getting a new job.
Today I was talking to the other girl that was pregnant during our slow time. We talked over our registers and joked around about stuff. It wasn't important, it was just small talk. Well, this lady walked to my register while we were talking and kind of jumped into our conversation. It was fun. But then she mentioned that she was psychic. The other girl rolled her eyes, but then when the weird lady told her she was having a girl, she didn't look so skeptical anymore.
She turned back around and asked if I knew I was pregnant. Of coarse I know, I said. She smiled, put her hand on my stomach that still wasn't showing, and said, "It's a boy." At that point, Krusty walked by and told us to stop screwing around and I said, :"Did you hear that? She said I'm pregnant with a boy. Now do you believe me?"
Krusty gave me a dirty look and pointed to my register as if I had hundreds of people lined up to check out. I turned around, there was no one.
I hate being sick every morning. I think I caught some kind of respiratory bug too because I just cannot breath and I keep coughing up nasty phlegm. I am so tired that it takes me over an hour just to realize that a new day has started, and then another to roll over and get up. If I get up, that's it, I'm puking, and I really don't want that either.
But I do it. I push on. I have to.
People at work still don't believe that I'm pregnant, even though I run to the bathroom and empty my stomach's contents first thing when I get there. If there was anything to empty. Constantly, I'm coughing into my sleeve or tissue while at the register. And no one...NO ONE...suggests that I stay home or go to the doctor. I know I must look like death warmed over, but I don't think they care. They really don't. As soon as I can, I'm getting a new job.
Today I was talking to the other girl that was pregnant during our slow time. We talked over our registers and joked around about stuff. It wasn't important, it was just small talk. Well, this lady walked to my register while we were talking and kind of jumped into our conversation. It was fun. But then she mentioned that she was psychic. The other girl rolled her eyes, but then when the weird lady told her she was having a girl, she didn't look so skeptical anymore.
She turned back around and asked if I knew I was pregnant. Of coarse I know, I said. She smiled, put her hand on my stomach that still wasn't showing, and said, "It's a boy." At that point, Krusty walked by and told us to stop screwing around and I said, :"Did you hear that? She said I'm pregnant with a boy. Now do you believe me?"
Krusty gave me a dirty look and pointed to my register as if I had hundreds of people lined up to check out. I turned around, there was no one.
Wednesday
What Are My Options?
Dear Diary - 4/28
It's just been the same routine over and over again and again. I go to work, come home, sleep. Not to mention, puke. haha. My evil bosses still have not let me off work so I can go to the doctors! Ugh!!
Mom is mad at me, I think she thinks that I'm sleeping around and that's how I ended up pregnant and she is upset because that's something that she never thought I would do. She doesn't believe me when I told her I was raped. I think she does not want to realize that things like that can happen to her daughters. She thinks I should move back in with her and my sister. I don't want to, but if that's my only option, I might consider it. The only problem is that she has met some guy over the internet and has "fallen in love" with him. She will be moving to New England soon. I am NOT going there.
Mountain guy came back and told me that I cannot raise a child on my own and that I should put the baby up for adoption. Or at the very least, his parents could take the baby to find a home for it, because they know that I will raise a drug addict being a single mother. Ha. My mother raised two of us in similar conditions and neither of us turned out to be drug addicts. I think they are just full of it.
Former acquaintances, and I say former because I don't want anything to do with them anymore, suggested I get an abortion. Even though I was raped, for some reason, I just can't do that. It's not a religious reason or anything, it's just... I just can't.
Then I think to myself that I can do this all by myself. But why does it have to be so difficult to do?
It's just been the same routine over and over again and again. I go to work, come home, sleep. Not to mention, puke. haha. My evil bosses still have not let me off work so I can go to the doctors! Ugh!!
Mom is mad at me, I think she thinks that I'm sleeping around and that's how I ended up pregnant and she is upset because that's something that she never thought I would do. She doesn't believe me when I told her I was raped. I think she does not want to realize that things like that can happen to her daughters. She thinks I should move back in with her and my sister. I don't want to, but if that's my only option, I might consider it. The only problem is that she has met some guy over the internet and has "fallen in love" with him. She will be moving to New England soon. I am NOT going there.
Mountain guy came back and told me that I cannot raise a child on my own and that I should put the baby up for adoption. Or at the very least, his parents could take the baby to find a home for it, because they know that I will raise a drug addict being a single mother. Ha. My mother raised two of us in similar conditions and neither of us turned out to be drug addicts. I think they are just full of it.
Former acquaintances, and I say former because I don't want anything to do with them anymore, suggested I get an abortion. Even though I was raped, for some reason, I just can't do that. It's not a religious reason or anything, it's just... I just can't.
Then I think to myself that I can do this all by myself. But why does it have to be so difficult to do?
Tuesday
What to do now?
Dear Diary - 5/12
I was hoping that by now I would be able to figure out what I am going to do with my life. It's getting more and more difficult to do anything now. No one at work believes that I'm pregnant, I'm still not showing, but I've taken several home tests - all positive. I REALLY REALLY need to get to a doctor.
I had been talking to this guy online that owns his own pizza shops and he's pretty nice. He has brought me pizza a few times and given me rides to and from work. He knows I'm pregnant and still he's nice to me. Somehow though, I think he wants more than just friendship. I can't handle that right now, so I made it clear to him that I was not interested in having a relationship with anyone right now. But still he's nice. Almost smothering.
I have not heard from my friend, the man with the glasses, in a long time. I think about him often and wonder how he's doing. I miss him.
My mom has moved to the east coast and my grandmother has offered to let me move in with her until I can get on my feet again - I just need to work for my room and board. I don't mind that. She has lots of yard work and things for me to do. And she wants to travel, so I can pet sit for her. That sounds like my best option yet.
Mountain guy is still pressuring me to move in with him and his parents. I don't want to do that. If I do, no telling what will happen and I don't want to be dependent on anyone.
Pizza guy is coming over in about an hour and we're going to go drive around for a little bit...just to get out of this nasty apartment. It's gross...nothing works. My dishwasher exploded bubbles all over the kitchen floor one day, so I stopped using it. I can't do my laundry in the laundry room because the slum lord refuses to give me a laundry door key, so I have to wash my close in the bath tub and hang them up to dry or put them in the oven. And then the other day, raw sewage backed up into my kitchen sink! It is beyond nasty!! I have to get out of here, but I don't know how...and I don't know where to go....
I was hoping that by now I would be able to figure out what I am going to do with my life. It's getting more and more difficult to do anything now. No one at work believes that I'm pregnant, I'm still not showing, but I've taken several home tests - all positive. I REALLY REALLY need to get to a doctor.
I had been talking to this guy online that owns his own pizza shops and he's pretty nice. He has brought me pizza a few times and given me rides to and from work. He knows I'm pregnant and still he's nice to me. Somehow though, I think he wants more than just friendship. I can't handle that right now, so I made it clear to him that I was not interested in having a relationship with anyone right now. But still he's nice. Almost smothering.
I have not heard from my friend, the man with the glasses, in a long time. I think about him often and wonder how he's doing. I miss him.
My mom has moved to the east coast and my grandmother has offered to let me move in with her until I can get on my feet again - I just need to work for my room and board. I don't mind that. She has lots of yard work and things for me to do. And she wants to travel, so I can pet sit for her. That sounds like my best option yet.
Mountain guy is still pressuring me to move in with him and his parents. I don't want to do that. If I do, no telling what will happen and I don't want to be dependent on anyone.
Pizza guy is coming over in about an hour and we're going to go drive around for a little bit...just to get out of this nasty apartment. It's gross...nothing works. My dishwasher exploded bubbles all over the kitchen floor one day, so I stopped using it. I can't do my laundry in the laundry room because the slum lord refuses to give me a laundry door key, so I have to wash my close in the bath tub and hang them up to dry or put them in the oven. And then the other day, raw sewage backed up into my kitchen sink! It is beyond nasty!! I have to get out of here, but I don't know how...and I don't know where to go....
Monday
Happy Birthday to Me.
Dear Diary - 5/24
Happy Birthday to me. It's my 21st birthday and I have the day off. Yay! But I have nothing to do and no one to celebrate with.
I had to get rid of Pizza guy...he was too smothering. I felt like throwing up and he kept touching me and trying to put his arms around me. I told him I needed to be alone while I puked, but he insisted. I know he was only trying to be helpful, but the smell of pizza was stuck to him and I couldn't handle it. I puked on his shoes.A day later, I told him I was getting married to Mountain guy just to get him to go away. Even speaking plainly, he would NOT get it. I do NOT want a relationship!
I guess he was heart broken and his sister called me to tell me what a rotten person I was to do that to him. Hello, I told him several times that I DID NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP!! She was a stupid bitch going on and on and on. I couldn't take it and told her to F off and hung up on her. I felt bad. Mainly because I know Pizza guy is nice, it's just I can't handle it right now and he needs to be with someone stronger than I am right now.
Some people say I'm strong, I don't think so. I have nightmares constantly. The kind that wake you up several times a night and have you dripping with sweat and shaking hard. I'm not getting the sleep I need. My body is changing and I am crying all the time. I'm a mess. I'm not strong.
If I can't think of any other options, I'm moving back home with my grandmother. Hmm, my phone is ringing...
Happy Birthday to me. It's my 21st birthday and I have the day off. Yay! But I have nothing to do and no one to celebrate with.
I had to get rid of Pizza guy...he was too smothering. I felt like throwing up and he kept touching me and trying to put his arms around me. I told him I needed to be alone while I puked, but he insisted. I know he was only trying to be helpful, but the smell of pizza was stuck to him and I couldn't handle it. I puked on his shoes.A day later, I told him I was getting married to Mountain guy just to get him to go away. Even speaking plainly, he would NOT get it. I do NOT want a relationship!
I guess he was heart broken and his sister called me to tell me what a rotten person I was to do that to him. Hello, I told him several times that I DID NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP!! She was a stupid bitch going on and on and on. I couldn't take it and told her to F off and hung up on her. I felt bad. Mainly because I know Pizza guy is nice, it's just I can't handle it right now and he needs to be with someone stronger than I am right now.
Some people say I'm strong, I don't think so. I have nightmares constantly. The kind that wake you up several times a night and have you dripping with sweat and shaking hard. I'm not getting the sleep I need. My body is changing and I am crying all the time. I'm a mess. I'm not strong.
If I can't think of any other options, I'm moving back home with my grandmother. Hmm, my phone is ringing...
Sunday
What a Turn of Events
Dear Diary - 5/25
OMG! What a crazy turn of events! My phone rang yesterday and it was my friend, the man in the glasses!! He wanted to see how I was doing and I told him that I was not doing well. I told him I was thinking of moving back home, but I really didn't want to go back there. I told him how rotten I felt and how everything was just going wrong. And I told him that it was my birthday.
Do you know what he did?? He said he would pick me up that evening and take me out for my birthday. Dress nice he said. So I did...as nice as I could considering the lack of formal wear I had. I did my hair and makeup but when I looked at myself in the mirror, I looked frail and sickly. I hope he didn't notice.
When he knocked on my door I was so excited to see him that I threw my arms around him and hugged him with all my might. I don't know what happened, but I felt this strange feeling.... safety...respect...a sense of belonging...love. I know that sounds really cheesy. I was so wrapped up in my strange feelings that I did not realize...my friend did not have on those hideous glasses anymore!He had laser eye surgery and could see without them. I hugged him again.
He handed me a large wrapped box - it was a crock pot and some crock pot cooking books. He said I could make an easy and filling meal and not spend a lot of time cooking. Seeing as how I had been living off the vending machine lately, I gladly accepted and smiled. He was so thoughtful!
Then we went to the restaurant. It was a 5 star hotel and restaurant where the meals started at $80 a plate!! I had NEVER been to a place like that before! It was so nice and quiet and...elegant. After our meal, my friend must have spoken to the waiter because they came out of the kitchens singing a beautiful melody of Happy Birthday to me - with a violin!! WOW!
Afterward, we walked around the grounds of the hotel. They had a small lake and island and bridge lit up with those garden path lights. It was nice and cool and...dare I say...romantic. He held my hand in his as we walked and I felt so safe. It was just us in our own little world and no one else mattered. Not Mountain guy and not his Raving Psycho Soon To Be Ex. Just us...
We walked to the island in the quiet of the night. This is the part that scared me happened next. He kissed me. OMG! My mind flooded with so many thoughts and emotions, I had no idea what to say. I was scared. I had so much on my plate and I didn't want to mess up his life anymore than it already was. I wanted to make it on my own, but suddenly I felt as if I couldn't do it anymore. I was at the end of my rope and I was about to give in. It frightened me because I wanted to be with him, but I did not know what was going to happen. I did not want a relationship after all. But maybe with the right person...
It was getting late and I cried the entire way home. I did not want the evening to end. I did not want to go back to that crappy apartment. I did not want to go to my crappy job. The thought of it alone made me fell...dead.
My friend, the man formally with glasses, offered again, the spare room in his condo and this time, I gladly accepted. That night, he took me back to his condo and I fell asleep on his bed. He said he would take the couch until I got my stuff. But then...he went back to my apartment and cleaned it out and brought all my things back to store in his garage.
I woke up this morning and I no longer lived in that crappy apartment. I no longer had to work that crappy job. He said - "You need time to think about what you are going to do. You can't do that when you're too busy thinking of how to work and survive in that apartment. Take as long as you need and I will help you with whatever decision you make."
I called my work and lied "I've got a doctor's appointment, I can't come in today." And I didn't. I'm never going back there again...except to pick up my last paycheck.
What happens next, I have no idea...
OMG! What a crazy turn of events! My phone rang yesterday and it was my friend, the man in the glasses!! He wanted to see how I was doing and I told him that I was not doing well. I told him I was thinking of moving back home, but I really didn't want to go back there. I told him how rotten I felt and how everything was just going wrong. And I told him that it was my birthday.
Do you know what he did?? He said he would pick me up that evening and take me out for my birthday. Dress nice he said. So I did...as nice as I could considering the lack of formal wear I had. I did my hair and makeup but when I looked at myself in the mirror, I looked frail and sickly. I hope he didn't notice.
When he knocked on my door I was so excited to see him that I threw my arms around him and hugged him with all my might. I don't know what happened, but I felt this strange feeling.... safety...respect...a sense of belonging...love. I know that sounds really cheesy. I was so wrapped up in my strange feelings that I did not realize...my friend did not have on those hideous glasses anymore!He had laser eye surgery and could see without them. I hugged him again.
He handed me a large wrapped box - it was a crock pot and some crock pot cooking books. He said I could make an easy and filling meal and not spend a lot of time cooking. Seeing as how I had been living off the vending machine lately, I gladly accepted and smiled. He was so thoughtful!
Then we went to the restaurant. It was a 5 star hotel and restaurant where the meals started at $80 a plate!! I had NEVER been to a place like that before! It was so nice and quiet and...elegant. After our meal, my friend must have spoken to the waiter because they came out of the kitchens singing a beautiful melody of Happy Birthday to me - with a violin!! WOW!
Afterward, we walked around the grounds of the hotel. They had a small lake and island and bridge lit up with those garden path lights. It was nice and cool and...dare I say...romantic. He held my hand in his as we walked and I felt so safe. It was just us in our own little world and no one else mattered. Not Mountain guy and not his Raving Psycho Soon To Be Ex. Just us...
We walked to the island in the quiet of the night. This is the part that scared me happened next. He kissed me. OMG! My mind flooded with so many thoughts and emotions, I had no idea what to say. I was scared. I had so much on my plate and I didn't want to mess up his life anymore than it already was. I wanted to make it on my own, but suddenly I felt as if I couldn't do it anymore. I was at the end of my rope and I was about to give in. It frightened me because I wanted to be with him, but I did not know what was going to happen. I did not want a relationship after all. But maybe with the right person...
It was getting late and I cried the entire way home. I did not want the evening to end. I did not want to go back to that crappy apartment. I did not want to go to my crappy job. The thought of it alone made me fell...dead.
My friend, the man formally with glasses, offered again, the spare room in his condo and this time, I gladly accepted. That night, he took me back to his condo and I fell asleep on his bed. He said he would take the couch until I got my stuff. But then...he went back to my apartment and cleaned it out and brought all my things back to store in his garage.
I woke up this morning and I no longer lived in that crappy apartment. I no longer had to work that crappy job. He said - "You need time to think about what you are going to do. You can't do that when you're too busy thinking of how to work and survive in that apartment. Take as long as you need and I will help you with whatever decision you make."
I called my work and lied "I've got a doctor's appointment, I can't come in today." And I didn't. I'm never going back there again...except to pick up my last paycheck.
What happens next, I have no idea...
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