Happy Birthday to Me.

Dear Diary - 5/24

Happy Birthday to me.  It's my 21st birthday and I have the day off. Yay!  But I have nothing to do and no one to celebrate with. 

I had to get rid of Pizza guy...he was too smothering.  I felt like throwing up and he kept touching me and trying to put his arms around me.  I told him I needed to be alone while I puked, but he insisted.  I know he was only trying to be helpful, but the smell of pizza was stuck to him and I couldn't handle it.  I puked on his shoes.A day later, I told him I was getting married to Mountain guy just to get him to go away.  Even speaking plainly, he would NOT get it.  I do NOT want a relationship!

I guess he was heart broken and his sister called me to tell me what a rotten person I was to do that to him.  Hello, I told him several times that I DID NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP!!  She was a stupid bitch going on and on and on.  I couldn't take it and told her to F off and hung up on her.  I felt bad.  Mainly because I know Pizza guy is nice, it's just I can't handle it right now and he needs to be with someone stronger than I am right now.

Some people say I'm strong, I don't think so.  I have nightmares constantly.  The kind that wake you up several times a night and have you dripping with sweat and shaking hard.  I'm not getting the sleep I need. My body is changing and I am crying all the time. I'm a mess.  I'm not strong.

If I can't think of any other options, I'm moving back home with my grandmother.  Hmm, my phone is ringing...